Solo Sunday

A while back, I made a heartfelt decision to always attend church, no matter how challenging, how tired, or drained I may be, whether my husband could make it with me or not. Having a toddler and doing this challenge (needless to say, it is a challenge for me) is very testing and trying. Being the one having to entertain her as not to disrupt others at church is a skill I tell you, and that of which for me, but I know that going to church and attending my meetings, helping my daughter be familiar with our Sunday schedule, routine, and most importantly developing a relationship with our Father in Heaven and being familiar with His teachings, is what we both need and what I desire to provide for her as a mother and as to fulfill the promise I made to my Heavenly Father. 

I've been riding solo for about two weeks now, I know this is NOT in anyway comparable to those who have husbands /spouses away for months or even years at a time, yet I feel sad when my husband is not with me; although I'm sad my husband hasn't come the last two weeks, the positive I see is that I've actually been able to enjoy the one-on-one time with Zoee in a way. I'll admit coming to church alone makes me want to cry, but I feel strengthened. 

On a side note: I suffer from depression and anxiety and usually when I have to depend on myself, it is fine; when I have someone depending on me, and me having to provide or perform, it's hard and sometimes I loose focus and can't function in the way I desperately want to and find myself not being who I really want to be. This has been my on-going challenge, and trying to fix this part of myself is a conscious, everyday effort, but I can see the positive effects that it has on me when I make the effort and I have noticed me feeling whole and better while attending church and it helps me more especially, when I fulfill promises I have made and continually make with my Heavenly Father. 

In sacrament today, we had a double-farewell. Sister Sydney Reed and Elder Richie Angel. Sydney was called to the Spokane, Washington State Mission and Richie to Chile. They gave wonderful talks and I was very happy to have been in the congregation to listen to them speak; Since Zoee was born, my attendance has mostly been spent in foyers because of Zoees active personality. (Not a bad thing). Anyway, I was grateful to be actually among everyone in the congregation of church today, and was even more grateful to be where we were sitting; we were sitting behind the Moore Family, Sister Bess Moore, her husband Leland Moore Sr. And their son Leland Jr. Zoee felt right at home with Sister Moore, sat by her, showed her her books, drawing board and talked with her. It was precious to see, yet I honestly felt sad being that my daughter was more comfortable sitting with a complete stranger, rather then sitting with me her mother. I saw this experience (looking from outside of the box) as an opportunity for change, and I pray that I will be given the strength, and that The Lord will help guide me to rekindle a relationship, a stronger relationship with my daughter. In a more positive way of thinking, I was very grateful for Sister Moore in being so patient and loving towards Zoee and helping me with her so that she would be occupied in the meeting and not make so much disruption. It was comforting to me as a Mother in this ward to know that there are other individuals, Brothers and Sisters in this ward that will care and love my daughter just as much as I do. It brought me great joy and I felt taken care of, blessed and loved. Zoee ended up coming back to me, and while and during the middle of Richie Angels talk, she escaped ((knots in my tummy!!)) 

Now we were sitting in the very back row of chairs that were set in the cultural hall. The curtains were open from the chapel to the cultural hall because of the many people in attendance for these two farewells, and it being Memorial Day Weekend, a lot of people usually vacation here. 

So anyway, back to her escaping. She ran off and through the last two rows of people in the cultural hall. When I could not catch her, I seriously wanted to drop and cry because there I was her mother, and she would not come to me, at all. 

I wasn't merely upset at all for her running around, but more so because she did not look at me, more so she did not want to come to me; holding snacks towards her didn't even give her any satisfaction. 

I tried to hold my tears back, and as red/blushed as I felt (from being so embarrassed) members started to evaluate the situation quickly and were understanding. When she started to come near them, they were all trying to direct her to come to me. I should be more grateful that she didn't scream or yell, and all she did was run around, but even that is not appropriate and I felt like a failing mother. Eventually I saw her stop and she had found a little boy to sit by, observe and play with. The parents of that little boy smiled up at me, and as Zoee saw me coming, her urge to run again came upon her, and the little boys father saw that and grabbed her quickly before she could run off again, then graciously returning her to me. Seriously wanting to cry some more, and cry even harder, I felt my chest swell and heavy, my eyes getting watery and just wanting to give up and say no, we will just go home; yet, in that moment, I grabbed Zoee, held her to me and cuddled her, told her I loved her very much, sat down in our seats and told her that we would be going to nursery soon. She got excited and I think surprised that I didn't scold her. Although I don't condone or support that behavior, I couldn't help but have mercy on her because she is a baby, she is a child, my child. 

I am very grateful for the gospel, and I'm grateful for the lesson Heavenly Father taught me today. For the past several weeks, I have not felt very much apart of this ward, and I have never felt like I fit in here at all, but Today, he changed that for me. It allowed me closure, and I felt I could move on. More importantly, I felt that it was a good opportunity to help me accomplish something on my own, and to recognize how much this has strengthened my testimony. 

Zoee did go to nursery and she stayed the whole entire time with out crying, without kicking and screaming, and that in itself was a blessing and testimony builder for me, because by fulfilling your promises to The Lord, He in turn fulfills His. I NEVER thought that in the last 3 months (I know it's not that long) my daughter would go to nursery by herself (ok, not very positive thinking, but it was getting discouraging) but, she did it! Heavenly Father helped me, and He helped her and everything worked out. 

In Relief Society, Marie Miller (such a sweetheart) gave a beautiful lesson on the Priesthood and it's power - the influence of it in our lives. It was a beautiful lesson and I enjoyed hearing the comments of the sisters as they shared and in them, their testimonies. 

I am grateful for my husband and for the way he loves me, as his wife, companion and mother of his children, and I'm even more richly blessed to see him love our daughter so tenderly. I'm grateful for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to be the leader of our home and family. I could not have asked for a better man. 

An experience I have to share, last week, Monday, May 13th was my hubby's 25th birthday! He wanted to go on a hike up the Calavera Trail and I was surely not liking the idea because of it being SOOOO HOT that day! Me and heat don't mix very well most times.. Anyway, we grabbed a little lunch, and Zoee was falling asleep and he decided that we just go home instead of hiking, yet my brain was happy with the idea, my mouth started to blab the words, "no babe, it's your birthday, you wanted to go, so we're going!" I couldn't believe this came out of my mouth and I had no clue as to why? 

Later as we got to the beginning of the trail, a young man from out of town, from Alabama came running up to us LOST. He was visiting a friend who is a marine and unfortunately his friend was on duty til the next morning. He had no clue how to get back to his friends house, eventually, we found it and he was indeed grateful. 

We went to go get some gas and Havea turns to me and says "I'm surprised you didn't invite him to my birthday party tonight!" I replied, "was I suppose to?" 

We then felt a strong impression to invite him over and he gladly accepted the invitation. Not a member of the church, he instantly became a dear friend of the family. His name is Colton. He enjoyed his time with us, and we thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him. He said being here with our family made him feel like he was back at home, at his farm. 

To make someone feel comfortable in a home is beautiful and a huge compliment to us. I am grateful for the spirit and the priesthood, that invites, unites and creates such peace. I know for a fact that  it was indeed the spirit talking through me that day, and that inviting Colton home was something Heavenly Father wanted for not only him, but for us. So that we might have that opportunity to share in a veiling reunion with a dear brother of ours, whom we haven't seen since the pre-existence. It was a wonderful night, and special birthday for my husband. 

I am now home, calm and grateful for this beautiful day, to reflect on the blessings of my Father in Heaven, and am in deep gratitude for the power of the priesthood so that I CAN FEEL these special things everyday throughout my life.