Eternal Love

On July 1, 2013, my husband and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. Today, July 2, 2013, we celebrate 2 years of eternal marriage. It is special and brings great joy and comfort knowing that we are sealed for time and all eternity under the sacred covenant of the Lord, and that our marriage is recognized as an eternal relationship between ourselves and God. I am so blessed to be married to Havea and to be his choice. It is amazing to me, just how much we have grown, both individually, and closer together. I honestly did not see myself at this point of my life, having what I have, and hold dear to my heart. I am so grateful. 

Marriage! Marriage is not all fun and games, it is work! HARD WORK! It is the sincere effort of both individuals to help aid the needs of one another, and to lift, to nurture, to sustain, to love. I can honestly say that I have a man who does this so perfectly. He is a wonderful husband, provider, father and lover!  Although we have our moments, and mostly it is because of me (I'm a brat!) I'm grateful for the relationship we have, the fact that it is ever changing and never boring! I learn so much about myself when I'm with my husband. He helps me become better, a better person, a better wife, a better mother. He encourages, supports and tenderly loves me. 

I came across this music video Justin Young and Colbie Caillat "Puzzle Pieces" Check it out! 

Puzzle Pieces

I wanted to mainly come on here to tell my husband how much I LOVE HIM! I thank God for the blessing of him in my life and for saving me! I love you babe with all my heart, may we enjoy the time we have and feel secure that our love will last through the eternities! 

Happy Anniversary!

Hope in the Journey..

When I saw this picture, I thought to myself, TOTALLY ME! And even my husband and people who know me, know that I'm always fascinated with the finish line and don't really like the journey, and don't like seeing it! It's not that it's because it's hard, it's because something psychologically tells me that I need to hurry, to do it fast, to be the best! Kind of like a competitive conscience I can't seem to turn off! It's funny cause I'm not very competitive at all. Anyway, I don't delight in the journey. It really is like with everything, I don't really care for road-trips because I have alway thought them boring, too long to get somewhere that can possibly take a shorter time with another route, i.e. plane! I'd rather sit in a plane for 1 1/2 hours to Utah then drive the 9-10 hrs in a car. WEIRD and SELFISH this may sound, I know! But all in all, maybe it's because I have always viewed life like that; I always DREAM. 

Dreaming is good, and I highly encourage dreaming! Dreaming expands your mind to new dimensions, new possibilities, ideas and creativity! It's a beautiful process that I seriously treasure, dreaming is my journey, yet I need to come down to reality and know that my dreams in that instant are not real, yet, how do I make these things real? That is truly enjoying each moment inspired, through the difficult decisions, the manual labor, the sleepless nights, the integrity, the mocking/laughing, the sweat, the memorization, the pressure, and seeing at that finish line, how much of a diamond you've become. 

I have the Zillow Apps on my phone, and I created a query to tell me when new homes in a certain area have popped up and let me know the price and info for contact and such to rent and or buy. Havea and I are in NO POSITION yet to buy a home, but to see that physically, knowing my dream, to own a home, I know it will happen someday. So how is it that I can go about building my dreams? 

Well, we, Havea and I, are attending school through BYU-Idahos, Pathway Program. I will be working towards my bachelors degree and my husband will be working towards his Associates first. This is how we are going to get our dream home, by getting an education! This road we are starting our journey on this year, is going to be very rough, very challenging, and very hard, but I know that we can do it, and I know this "road-trip" is worth it, every cent put into it, every mile driven through it! We are on our way to success, and on our way to change our lives, the lives of our children, and future posterity. I'm so grateful for this inspired program and for the way in which the Gospel, yet again has provided opportunities to help sustain us members, to help provide opportunities for growth, for improvement, to help us reach our dreams. 

I'm delighting in this journey, and I'm evermore excited because my husband and I will be doing it together-hand in hand, one step at a time. 

Summer Days

It's been quite an interesting kick off to summer.. and though life seems calm, I'm prepared for the insane busy-ness we will be receiving. Music Jobs, Family Trips (more like stay-cations), beach nights, s'mores, bomb-fires, snuggling, temple nights, Zoee dates, family, etc. 

Summer is my favorite time to reconnect with life and family, and just "hakuna-matata!" 

Well going with the Lion King theme, my little one, like Simba in the movie is more curious then curious George! She is moving into things more quickly, her personality is fiesty, maturing and sweet, she's like chipotle, sweet and spicy :) lol.. Funny analogies I know, but I can help it. She is starting to potty train and more so herself, and it's been quite easy on me. So I'm grateful for that. She has taught me so much more and our relationship as mother and daughter has grown tremendously and she has established more the mere fact that I'm "mommy" and that we belong together. It's a comfort to feel that bond and to have it strengthened. I may be a terrible mother for admitting that, but it's true! #confessionsofamoderndaymommy 

I know that a lot of things have distracted me from really seeing my potential, really progressing in my life, and a lot of that has to do with my depression, but all in all, my husband has been my biggest support. I'm grateful for him bringing light to my life, and showing me love in my most difficult forms. He's so patient, and I hope to achieve that level of patience in my life, someday. I'm so grateful that I married him, and this year for our 3rd anniversary, I hope to show him fully how much I love him, I'm grateful for #thedatingdivas and #pinterest for helping me with ideas :) thank you in advance :) 

This summer my goal is to loose 30lbs and just start breathing! Breathing in life, and exhaling death. Dead emotions, dead thoughts, dead feelings, dead energy. Start breathing in each moment as if it were my last, breath in fresh air, to rejuvenate and refresh my body, to heal, to strengthen, to enlighten. 

So my next posts for the next couple of months will be my progress on these things :) 

This WILL be the FIRST summer I actually ENJOY! :) Happy Summer Friends and Family! Love you All! 

Zozo

How fun! My brother Joseph "Uncle Joseph" took Zoee and put her in her pool! They had LOTS of fun!! :)) 

This was taken at the cemetery on Memorial Day when we went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Rowes graves! The Fely Family was there as well and brought their dog ONO! Zoee had fun playing with the dog an throwing the ball! :) 

Solo Sunday

A while back, I made a heartfelt decision to always attend church, no matter how challenging, how tired, or drained I may be, whether my husband could make it with me or not. Having a toddler and doing this challenge (needless to say, it is a challenge for me) is very testing and trying. Being the one having to entertain her as not to disrupt others at church is a skill I tell you, and that of which for me, but I know that going to church and attending my meetings, helping my daughter be familiar with our Sunday schedule, routine, and most importantly developing a relationship with our Father in Heaven and being familiar with His teachings, is what we both need and what I desire to provide for her as a mother and as to fulfill the promise I made to my Heavenly Father. 

I've been riding solo for about two weeks now, I know this is NOT in anyway comparable to those who have husbands /spouses away for months or even years at a time, yet I feel sad when my husband is not with me; although I'm sad my husband hasn't come the last two weeks, the positive I see is that I've actually been able to enjoy the one-on-one time with Zoee in a way. I'll admit coming to church alone makes me want to cry, but I feel strengthened. 

On a side note: I suffer from depression and anxiety and usually when I have to depend on myself, it is fine; when I have someone depending on me, and me having to provide or perform, it's hard and sometimes I loose focus and can't function in the way I desperately want to and find myself not being who I really want to be. This has been my on-going challenge, and trying to fix this part of myself is a conscious, everyday effort, but I can see the positive effects that it has on me when I make the effort and I have noticed me feeling whole and better while attending church and it helps me more especially, when I fulfill promises I have made and continually make with my Heavenly Father. 

In sacrament today, we had a double-farewell. Sister Sydney Reed and Elder Richie Angel. Sydney was called to the Spokane, Washington State Mission and Richie to Chile. They gave wonderful talks and I was very happy to have been in the congregation to listen to them speak; Since Zoee was born, my attendance has mostly been spent in foyers because of Zoees active personality. (Not a bad thing). Anyway, I was grateful to be actually among everyone in the congregation of church today, and was even more grateful to be where we were sitting; we were sitting behind the Moore Family, Sister Bess Moore, her husband Leland Moore Sr. And their son Leland Jr. Zoee felt right at home with Sister Moore, sat by her, showed her her books, drawing board and talked with her. It was precious to see, yet I honestly felt sad being that my daughter was more comfortable sitting with a complete stranger, rather then sitting with me her mother. I saw this experience (looking from outside of the box) as an opportunity for change, and I pray that I will be given the strength, and that The Lord will help guide me to rekindle a relationship, a stronger relationship with my daughter. In a more positive way of thinking, I was very grateful for Sister Moore in being so patient and loving towards Zoee and helping me with her so that she would be occupied in the meeting and not make so much disruption. It was comforting to me as a Mother in this ward to know that there are other individuals, Brothers and Sisters in this ward that will care and love my daughter just as much as I do. It brought me great joy and I felt taken care of, blessed and loved. Zoee ended up coming back to me, and while and during the middle of Richie Angels talk, she escaped ((knots in my tummy!!)) 

Now we were sitting in the very back row of chairs that were set in the cultural hall. The curtains were open from the chapel to the cultural hall because of the many people in attendance for these two farewells, and it being Memorial Day Weekend, a lot of people usually vacation here. 

So anyway, back to her escaping. She ran off and through the last two rows of people in the cultural hall. When I could not catch her, I seriously wanted to drop and cry because there I was her mother, and she would not come to me, at all. 

I wasn't merely upset at all for her running around, but more so because she did not look at me, more so she did not want to come to me; holding snacks towards her didn't even give her any satisfaction. 

I tried to hold my tears back, and as red/blushed as I felt (from being so embarrassed) members started to evaluate the situation quickly and were understanding. When she started to come near them, they were all trying to direct her to come to me. I should be more grateful that she didn't scream or yell, and all she did was run around, but even that is not appropriate and I felt like a failing mother. Eventually I saw her stop and she had found a little boy to sit by, observe and play with. The parents of that little boy smiled up at me, and as Zoee saw me coming, her urge to run again came upon her, and the little boys father saw that and grabbed her quickly before she could run off again, then graciously returning her to me. Seriously wanting to cry some more, and cry even harder, I felt my chest swell and heavy, my eyes getting watery and just wanting to give up and say no, we will just go home; yet, in that moment, I grabbed Zoee, held her to me and cuddled her, told her I loved her very much, sat down in our seats and told her that we would be going to nursery soon. She got excited and I think surprised that I didn't scold her. Although I don't condone or support that behavior, I couldn't help but have mercy on her because she is a baby, she is a child, my child. 

I am very grateful for the gospel, and I'm grateful for the lesson Heavenly Father taught me today. For the past several weeks, I have not felt very much apart of this ward, and I have never felt like I fit in here at all, but Today, he changed that for me. It allowed me closure, and I felt I could move on. More importantly, I felt that it was a good opportunity to help me accomplish something on my own, and to recognize how much this has strengthened my testimony. 

Zoee did go to nursery and she stayed the whole entire time with out crying, without kicking and screaming, and that in itself was a blessing and testimony builder for me, because by fulfilling your promises to The Lord, He in turn fulfills His. I NEVER thought that in the last 3 months (I know it's not that long) my daughter would go to nursery by herself (ok, not very positive thinking, but it was getting discouraging) but, she did it! Heavenly Father helped me, and He helped her and everything worked out. 

In Relief Society, Marie Miller (such a sweetheart) gave a beautiful lesson on the Priesthood and it's power - the influence of it in our lives. It was a beautiful lesson and I enjoyed hearing the comments of the sisters as they shared and in them, their testimonies. 

I am grateful for my husband and for the way he loves me, as his wife, companion and mother of his children, and I'm even more richly blessed to see him love our daughter so tenderly. I'm grateful for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to be the leader of our home and family. I could not have asked for a better man. 

An experience I have to share, last week, Monday, May 13th was my hubby's 25th birthday! He wanted to go on a hike up the Calavera Trail and I was surely not liking the idea because of it being SOOOO HOT that day! Me and heat don't mix very well most times.. Anyway, we grabbed a little lunch, and Zoee was falling asleep and he decided that we just go home instead of hiking, yet my brain was happy with the idea, my mouth started to blab the words, "no babe, it's your birthday, you wanted to go, so we're going!" I couldn't believe this came out of my mouth and I had no clue as to why? 

Later as we got to the beginning of the trail, a young man from out of town, from Alabama came running up to us LOST. He was visiting a friend who is a marine and unfortunately his friend was on duty til the next morning. He had no clue how to get back to his friends house, eventually, we found it and he was indeed grateful. 

We went to go get some gas and Havea turns to me and says "I'm surprised you didn't invite him to my birthday party tonight!" I replied, "was I suppose to?" 

We then felt a strong impression to invite him over and he gladly accepted the invitation. Not a member of the church, he instantly became a dear friend of the family. His name is Colton. He enjoyed his time with us, and we thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him. He said being here with our family made him feel like he was back at home, at his farm. 

To make someone feel comfortable in a home is beautiful and a huge compliment to us. I am grateful for the spirit and the priesthood, that invites, unites and creates such peace. I know for a fact that  it was indeed the spirit talking through me that day, and that inviting Colton home was something Heavenly Father wanted for not only him, but for us. So that we might have that opportunity to share in a veiling reunion with a dear brother of ours, whom we haven't seen since the pre-existence. It was a wonderful night, and special birthday for my husband. 

I am now home, calm and grateful for this beautiful day, to reflect on the blessings of my Father in Heaven, and am in deep gratitude for the power of the priesthood so that I CAN FEEL these special things everyday throughout my life. 

Tragedy

Tragedy struck yesterday as a recorded F4 Tornado struck Oklahoma leaving many injured, and a death rate severe. It saddens me to know that most families are experiencing loss, and are going through immense pain in knowing that loved ones are still not found, accounted for or have passed. It was recorded that 20 students were presumed dead and many more injured. 

My heart and prayers go out to the victims of this tragic event and to the hearts of parents who have lost their children, I ache for you. I will mourn with you. I will pray that The Lord, hold your hearts tenderly, that you all may feel comfort, peace and healing. 

I looked a my little girl today, and saw how much she grows, learns, understands and I am in awe! She is everything worth living for, and yet, changing my life to do so, has been a great challenge for me health wise. Little by little, motivation increases, and I'm grateful for each new day. I've specifically learned today that time is precious. We do not know when life's tornadoes will be upon us, we need to take time with or children, loved ones, to let them know they are loved. They are wanted, so that when the adversary throws us unwanted situations, they will know that no matter what their family loves them, their Heavenly Father loves them. I pray that Zoee may always know these things, that  I may have the strength and will to reminder her, teach her, show her these things. 

Perspective

So.... I finally created my blog the way I actually like it! It's taken me a while to play with different backgrounds and styles, and I'm just glad I finally found something I like! :)

Each day that passes, I learn the "why's" to my questions. I have made it a personal and very high prioritized goal this year, to really focus on relationships - as I previously mentioned in a previous post. I also, felt that while building relationships with my daughter, family members and friends, it was indeed a good time to bring it all home. When I say bring it home, I mean to come home to my Father in Heaven and start talking with Him more. Though prayers are constantly in my heart, and though I'm still working at my relationship, I'm grateful to have one, and grateful for the peace I feel when I am answered.

I have alway had a misconception as to why I do things, and more so particularly, why I go to church. As much as I LOVE my church and this gospel, and BELIEVE it with ALL MY HEART! I still am human, and still feel things that are good for me, bad for me, and make me feel happy, and make me feel sad. I will admit, going to church is one of my biggest hurdles, not because it's hard for me, but because it's troubling to see so many imperfect people "acting" like they're perfect. I know that sounds judgmental, but it is hard for me. I usually always stay to myself, am kind, and continue to be who I am. Although I know we all judge one another, I've been trying to be heartfelt in my dealings with people and genuinely kind, because that is who I am. I started to think of reasons why I come to church, and have been taught that "people are not perfect, neither are we, we come to church because we love The Lord, and this is what he wants us to do". I have thought so many reasons as to why it's not practical to go to church, and I started to realize that for me thinking such a thing, I was indeed no better than people I have judged. I really needed to re-evaluate my view. Instead of wondering why, I gave myself a reason why, and that reason is because "God wants me there, he wants to speak with me."

I started to think of my own life fast-forwarded to about 15 years, and thinking about myself as a parent in that time, thinking about my now 1 year old entering her 16th year. I started to think about what I wanted for her and her future; I started thinking and I know that what I want for her is for her to be smart, athletic, strong in the gospel, and so forth. Yet, I realized, that the only way for her to know about the gospel and "real" experiences with people in the gospel, would really be through going to and being active in church.

I had so many negative reasons and feelings as to why I hated going to church, most of them being "people are so hypocritical, so mean, everyone is in a clique, I feel over-looked, not noticed, etc" then I looked around relief society, and saw so many women who get over looked, never called on to participate, who always sit by themselves, and I thought to myself how sad! I mean, here I am complaining at 25 years old, and these women are in their 60s most alone or widowed, or have never been married, yet faithfully, they come, they sit, they listen. Hello Jane! I have A LOT to learn!

With this new view and perspective, I went home pondering this. Then when helping prep dinner, one of my sisters was complaining about 'going' to church and how it is so over rated and that she is just over the whole thing! I knew she was only complaining of the same things and for the same kinds of reasons as I did; and quickly I responded, and it was like the spirit made me speak, I said "I've learned that I'm not going to church because church is where I'm supposed to be, but because this is where Heavenly Father NEEDS me to be! I'm going because He has set a time, an appointment with me. It is up to me to keep that appointment and worship Him and with Him. He knows and is aware of my feelings and I know he does not discredit them one bit, but he knows that either way, through inspiration, through the spirit, through anything, something at church will be said, will be expressed, and He wants me to know He is thinking of me. In a way, I've learned to view Church as checking in! Checking in with my Heavenly Father! It is simply an opportunity to be answered, and why would we miss out on an opportunity to receive answers?

I'm grateful for new perspectives, new views, new beginnings, new learning, etc. I'm grateful for the promptings of the spirit and to know that I am becoming more and more worthy to hold that spirit with me.