Perspective

So.... I finally created my blog the way I actually like it! It's taken me a while to play with different backgrounds and styles, and I'm just glad I finally found something I like! :)

Each day that passes, I learn the "why's" to my questions. I have made it a personal and very high prioritized goal this year, to really focus on relationships - as I previously mentioned in a previous post. I also, felt that while building relationships with my daughter, family members and friends, it was indeed a good time to bring it all home. When I say bring it home, I mean to come home to my Father in Heaven and start talking with Him more. Though prayers are constantly in my heart, and though I'm still working at my relationship, I'm grateful to have one, and grateful for the peace I feel when I am answered.

I have alway had a misconception as to why I do things, and more so particularly, why I go to church. As much as I LOVE my church and this gospel, and BELIEVE it with ALL MY HEART! I still am human, and still feel things that are good for me, bad for me, and make me feel happy, and make me feel sad. I will admit, going to church is one of my biggest hurdles, not because it's hard for me, but because it's troubling to see so many imperfect people "acting" like they're perfect. I know that sounds judgmental, but it is hard for me. I usually always stay to myself, am kind, and continue to be who I am. Although I know we all judge one another, I've been trying to be heartfelt in my dealings with people and genuinely kind, because that is who I am. I started to think of reasons why I come to church, and have been taught that "people are not perfect, neither are we, we come to church because we love The Lord, and this is what he wants us to do". I have thought so many reasons as to why it's not practical to go to church, and I started to realize that for me thinking such a thing, I was indeed no better than people I have judged. I really needed to re-evaluate my view. Instead of wondering why, I gave myself a reason why, and that reason is because "God wants me there, he wants to speak with me."

I started to think of my own life fast-forwarded to about 15 years, and thinking about myself as a parent in that time, thinking about my now 1 year old entering her 16th year. I started to think about what I wanted for her and her future; I started thinking and I know that what I want for her is for her to be smart, athletic, strong in the gospel, and so forth. Yet, I realized, that the only way for her to know about the gospel and "real" experiences with people in the gospel, would really be through going to and being active in church.

I had so many negative reasons and feelings as to why I hated going to church, most of them being "people are so hypocritical, so mean, everyone is in a clique, I feel over-looked, not noticed, etc" then I looked around relief society, and saw so many women who get over looked, never called on to participate, who always sit by themselves, and I thought to myself how sad! I mean, here I am complaining at 25 years old, and these women are in their 60s most alone or widowed, or have never been married, yet faithfully, they come, they sit, they listen. Hello Jane! I have A LOT to learn!

With this new view and perspective, I went home pondering this. Then when helping prep dinner, one of my sisters was complaining about 'going' to church and how it is so over rated and that she is just over the whole thing! I knew she was only complaining of the same things and for the same kinds of reasons as I did; and quickly I responded, and it was like the spirit made me speak, I said "I've learned that I'm not going to church because church is where I'm supposed to be, but because this is where Heavenly Father NEEDS me to be! I'm going because He has set a time, an appointment with me. It is up to me to keep that appointment and worship Him and with Him. He knows and is aware of my feelings and I know he does not discredit them one bit, but he knows that either way, through inspiration, through the spirit, through anything, something at church will be said, will be expressed, and He wants me to know He is thinking of me. In a way, I've learned to view Church as checking in! Checking in with my Heavenly Father! It is simply an opportunity to be answered, and why would we miss out on an opportunity to receive answers?

I'm grateful for new perspectives, new views, new beginnings, new learning, etc. I'm grateful for the promptings of the spirit and to know that I am becoming more and more worthy to hold that spirit with me.