Perspective

So.... I finally created my blog the way I actually like it! It's taken me a while to play with different backgrounds and styles, and I'm just glad I finally found something I like! :)

Each day that passes, I learn the "why's" to my questions. I have made it a personal and very high prioritized goal this year, to really focus on relationships - as I previously mentioned in a previous post. I also, felt that while building relationships with my daughter, family members and friends, it was indeed a good time to bring it all home. When I say bring it home, I mean to come home to my Father in Heaven and start talking with Him more. Though prayers are constantly in my heart, and though I'm still working at my relationship, I'm grateful to have one, and grateful for the peace I feel when I am answered.

I have alway had a misconception as to why I do things, and more so particularly, why I go to church. As much as I LOVE my church and this gospel, and BELIEVE it with ALL MY HEART! I still am human, and still feel things that are good for me, bad for me, and make me feel happy, and make me feel sad. I will admit, going to church is one of my biggest hurdles, not because it's hard for me, but because it's troubling to see so many imperfect people "acting" like they're perfect. I know that sounds judgmental, but it is hard for me. I usually always stay to myself, am kind, and continue to be who I am. Although I know we all judge one another, I've been trying to be heartfelt in my dealings with people and genuinely kind, because that is who I am. I started to think of reasons why I come to church, and have been taught that "people are not perfect, neither are we, we come to church because we love The Lord, and this is what he wants us to do". I have thought so many reasons as to why it's not practical to go to church, and I started to realize that for me thinking such a thing, I was indeed no better than people I have judged. I really needed to re-evaluate my view. Instead of wondering why, I gave myself a reason why, and that reason is because "God wants me there, he wants to speak with me."

I started to think of my own life fast-forwarded to about 15 years, and thinking about myself as a parent in that time, thinking about my now 1 year old entering her 16th year. I started to think about what I wanted for her and her future; I started thinking and I know that what I want for her is for her to be smart, athletic, strong in the gospel, and so forth. Yet, I realized, that the only way for her to know about the gospel and "real" experiences with people in the gospel, would really be through going to and being active in church.

I had so many negative reasons and feelings as to why I hated going to church, most of them being "people are so hypocritical, so mean, everyone is in a clique, I feel over-looked, not noticed, etc" then I looked around relief society, and saw so many women who get over looked, never called on to participate, who always sit by themselves, and I thought to myself how sad! I mean, here I am complaining at 25 years old, and these women are in their 60s most alone or widowed, or have never been married, yet faithfully, they come, they sit, they listen. Hello Jane! I have A LOT to learn!

With this new view and perspective, I went home pondering this. Then when helping prep dinner, one of my sisters was complaining about 'going' to church and how it is so over rated and that she is just over the whole thing! I knew she was only complaining of the same things and for the same kinds of reasons as I did; and quickly I responded, and it was like the spirit made me speak, I said "I've learned that I'm not going to church because church is where I'm supposed to be, but because this is where Heavenly Father NEEDS me to be! I'm going because He has set a time, an appointment with me. It is up to me to keep that appointment and worship Him and with Him. He knows and is aware of my feelings and I know he does not discredit them one bit, but he knows that either way, through inspiration, through the spirit, through anything, something at church will be said, will be expressed, and He wants me to know He is thinking of me. In a way, I've learned to view Church as checking in! Checking in with my Heavenly Father! It is simply an opportunity to be answered, and why would we miss out on an opportunity to receive answers?

I'm grateful for new perspectives, new views, new beginnings, new learning, etc. I'm grateful for the promptings of the spirit and to know that I am becoming more and more worthy to hold that spirit with me.

Insomnia: WIDE AWAKE!

First, PRESS PLAY! and listen while you read :)

I say this, because this is the song I heard while I was dreaming!

It's a beautiful feeling when you wake up remembering the dream you just had. I have found my dreams to be a source of inspiration from Heavenly Father, of course only the good ones. Most of my dreams have always consisted of things that I need to change in my life, improve upon, something that was or may be coming and I would be faced with, kind of like a warning. Gratefully, I have been able to recognize that these dreams are simply Heavenly Father's way of communicating with me. I truly believe that with all my heart. 

As a background, I started to remember what yesterday was, and why I had the dream I did, and I quickly realized just now, that yesterday (April 25) marks the one year anniversary that I miscarried our second child.  Why would I remember such a thing? to be honest, it is just very hard for me to forget; and I have been sad about it since. I have had other joys this past year to leave me happy and focus on, but the pain of losing a child, and thinking you're the cause for this child to not develop, to grow, was and is indeed heartbreaking for me to comprehend; amongst a lot of things, I have not forgiven myself about this, I felt broken. I also felt that if I forget this experience, it is almost like forgetting that I even had a child. Even though this child was not born physically to us, it still was given life inside of me and was given the opportunity to be apart of our family. Although this may be hard for some people to understand, I feel that one can only be given the right to feel how they must. 

Havea and I were truly excited for this new baby, yet scared all at the same time. When complications started to arise, and through the miscarriage of our baby last year, the thoughts of having another baby have always been in our minds because we wanted to, as parents, give this child another opportunity to return to us, and we felt that Heavenly Father needed them for a while longer. To make myself feel a little better, I thought up this story in my mind, which I will share in a later post; but I want to continue on with my dream. 

Last night, I dreamt that I was a little older than I am now, probably around my late 20's entering my early 30's. I hadn't had any children after Zoee, and Zoee was 8 years old. Some of the facts that I KNEW for sure in my dream, were:

1. My husband and I were in Utah for General Conference

2. There were sections of the conference center that had these very comfortable red chairs. 

3. I looked a lot better physically (this was a plus)

While I knew these things, I was in a secluded area of the conference center. Sitting and waiting patiently, and I was calm. I knew Havea and Zoee were sitting listening to the messages, and I could hear, yet it was muffled. All of the sudden, I could see that I was left alone. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel frightened, it was like there was a special balcony area of conference that was reserved special for just me. 

Within a couple of minutes, waiting there, this polynesian man, kind of short with curly black hair, dressed in a white suite, like the men who dress at the temple, placed in my arms a newborn infant child, a little boy. He was wrapped in a pure white blanket, and it seemed to have glowed. This little boy looked so much like my husband Havea, and has a lot of his features and was just pure beautiful. At that very moment, I held this baby, and I never let him go. He was given to me especially. I knew he was mine, forever. 

Not knowing everything is simply having faith. I know that Heavenly Father will bless our family again with more children, and I hope to be the best mother, and candidate for special spirits, after all, he did entrust me with this special little girl Zoee, who helps me view life in beautiful ways. I feel my life changing, I feel the spirit more, and although I am not perfect, I know that my trying harder to be a little better, is surely all my Father in Heaven expects of me. I am grateful for this dream, the comfort it has provided me, and the beauty I experienced in that sacred and beautiful place. 

Insomnia

Right now, yes now, it is close to 4am and I am still not slightly a bit sleepy. My body signals that I am tired and feeling relaxed, yet my eyes are not heavy, nor am I nodding off. I could be really upset at this moment, but I'd rather take this opportunity to appreciate the silence, the sounds of night that I so often miss out on, due to me usually sleeping :)

1: Zoee has been sick the last couple of days, throwing up and all that not so pretty stuff; being up now and hearing just the sound of her breath, inhaling, exhaling, seeing her chest raise, her eyes squint as I shine a little light to see her face, is priceless. But more so, not hearing her cough, and seeing her rest peacefully gives me great satisfaction because that means she's getting better! Yay!

2: So obviously married people sleep together, right? Well of course! Laying here next to my hubby, hearing his breath, seeing him cuddle in a position comfortable, studying his features and watching his chest raise up and down in sync with his breath, is actually a beautiful sight ladies! You should try it - if you ever get insomnia.

As you can see my insomnia has given me some funny things to write about, so, with that said, this woman is going to try and get some sleep!!

Goodnight :) or I mean good morning! :)

Try a little harder...

Interlude: I'm so bummed I haven't updated my blogs lately, and yet am trying to decide on what to write about, because there is so much to write about. However, the many things that I've learned lately are overwhelming and special and dear to me, and I'm grateful for these precious moments and the experiences from them that I will remember, treasure and love forever, so I'm just going to kind of squeeze everything together with the theme from above "Try a little harder, to be a little better" taken by former prophet of the LDS church, President Gordon B. Hinckley. 

She's not a baby anymore!

I've been meaning to share my thoughts and feelings on this past April General Conference - LDS General Conference, yet, my thoughts are EVERYWHERE, and where to begin is another story; however, after going through my notes, and reviewing some AMAZING talks, I started to search for LDS quotes and found this! "Try a little harder to be a little better" - President Gordon B. Hinckley. This saying is engraved on my heart, and I know that through time, achieving just the little bit of waking up and eating breakfast, pulling some clothes out of the dryer, folding the clothes, washing dishes, all things that we try harder to do, say our prayers more frequently, read our scriptures for 5 minutes, or 5 more if we can, are ALL things that make us a little better than the last day, better than before - and thats progression. 

Zoee is growing so fast! And as she grows, she continues to teach me lessons that although may be simple, they are life changing. I can't imagine my life without this little girl, and I find myself growing and changing. She grows smarter by the minute! I seriously can't believe how much this little girl has observed, ABSORBED and Learned within this last year and a half. A cute little story, that I have to share is how literal she has take things..

Giving Grandpa Kisses

...My grandpa was admitted to the hospital a little over a week ago, and I know that angels were near. We were concerned for his health, and him making it through the day and my mother called us all (my siblings) down to spend some time and most likely say our goodbyes. We all got to the hospital, and my grandpa was eating some lunch. He hadn't talked or been responsive to the nurses, doctors, let alone my mother (also his caretaker) for the last 2 1/2 days. Zoee entered the room, and though a little scared, finally realized that the feeble man in the bed was indeed grandpa. Within a couple of minutes, she got comfortable and said, "HI GAND-PA!" he quickly turned his head towards her and said clearly "Hi Zoee!" that was a shock and miracle for the nurses. They couldn't believe he responded! Miracle, right? Then later throughout our visit, Zoee got even more comfortable and thought she could test my patience, and ran to the door of the hospital room towards the nurses station, as she stepped out of the room, I called to her immediately saying "Zoee! Get your BUTT back in here!!" She turned to me, looked right at me, and literally bent over as to make sure that only her BUTT was back in the room! Silly girl! She never ceases to amaze me at how much she understands, communicates, or even LOVES!

Zoee haning out with Grandpa

Zoee has a very special spirit about her. She attracts goodness, and she is energetic in following the spirit, something she was blessed with as an infant. She is definitely the "princess" and knows she is, yet though she can be demanding, she is very giving and aware of others around her; especially her favorite pal Grandpa Rowe :) It's safe for me to say that I have never seen such a relationship between a grandfather and great-grand-daughter, and to see their love they share, is special. I am so proud to be the mother of this little girl and to see her setting the high example for me. They will always have a relationship, and I know that when the time comes for him to meet the Lord, he will be amongst the chosen angels to look after Zoee, and guide her. I just know that - and I know Zoee knows that too. From the outside looking in, I've been able to hear conversations between them both, see how much Zoee loves her grandpa and shows him, just as much as he loves her and shows her. I've been able to capture a few, and so there are pictures below :)

Zoee reading to her Great-Grandpa :) 

On another note, recently, yes recently, I've learned and experienced the feeling, when mothers proclaim that their children, are what saved them. After Zoee was born, Havea and I were in an ideal situation. I returned back to work, and decided to give it only 6 months before I would quit - so we could save money; I ended up working 6 months more. In that whole year I was working, I noticed my daughter wasn't really mine (in a sense) - she became trusting and more attached to my mom and sisters more than anything, and it left me broken-hearted to see my little girl, feel so close with someone else and not me, her mother. I started to let those feelings get in the way of developing a relationship with her, and didn't focus on what I needed to do as a mother. It was very hard for me, and I still struggle daily, but all in all taking the advice of President Hinckley, I decided that if I do, "...try a little harder to be a little better" then, I had nothing to fear, and everything would work out. I have to honestly say, January, and this new year of 2013, really gave me the confidence to change things in my life; in particular I started to change my perspective on a lot of things. I tried to focus on relationships because that is what I was lacking with my little girl, and I wasn't doing all I could to be better at it - more so and especially with my daughter. Needless to say, that although this sounds like a terrible confession, I know that a lot of women go through these things, and I started to realize that I was not alone. July 27, 2012 was the last day of work for me, and I made the decision to stay home and raise my child, it was indeed a financial sacrifice, however it was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made, and I have been richly blessed. The relationship between Zoee and I grew, and is still growing. I know for young, or even most mothers in today's society, there are instances where a mother's need to work out of the home, may be a common case and or greatly needed, in order to provide for their children and family. With that said, I have gained an appreciation for both sides, because I have had experience in both situations. It's not an easy thing to let go of a financial income, and it's not easy to sacrifice relationships with your family members because you are in a position to need to provide for them; yet for me, I was blessed to be in the situation I am in and it is worth every sacrifice to me, because I gained a relationship with my little girl that is now strong and continuing to grow stronger. She is such a light and example to me.

Havea and I were privileged to go on a temple date this last month, and after going through the temple, participating in beautiful things we do there, serving and listening to the words spoken, helped give me the assurance that I was doing the right thing. You may wonder, WHY? on earth was it such a hard thing to choose to stay home? HOW? could I even begin to think about being away from this beauty for more than 10 hours a day? The reasons for me was because instead of looking at the here and now, I was looking at a bigger picture, the only thing that I failed to see in the "bigger picture" future, was the relationship between me and my daughter. I know that Havea and I would be in a much better position financially had I kept working, yet, I'm grateful for following the promptings of the spirit in guiding me to stay home, and continue to build my relationship with this precious little girl. 

Being a mother is hard work, and I learn something new EVERY DAY. Some days are better than others, but as I remember the words of the prophets, and particularly President Hinckley and this simply counsel, I will become better, as I strive to try harder to do so. I am richly blessed, and though I struggle, though I fail, I know I can be made strong in the Lord, He will bless me. 

As The Clock Turns!

While going through some of my old journals and things, I came across a book that my mother had compiled many years ago for me and my sisters. I believe it was actually a Relief Society Project that she put together years ago, and saw how beautiful and important it was that she decided to make each of us girls (my sisters) one. I have always kept it, and have always known it was there, yet never really went through it. As I continued to turn each page, I notice that I really hadn't done ANYTHING with this journal, and felt that it would be a great project to start, right? I mean it wouldn't hurt to do some family history, or even leave some kind of legacy for my children/posterity, right? So as my desire grew stronger to complete this project, the more I got excited. In all honesty, I feel like it was the spirit telling me that doing this is what I need to do, and for some reason, I feel that if I do not do it now, then a greater portion of my memories will leave me and I will be left with nothing. I continued on looking through the book and realized that this was a journal to be completed in one year, (if could) and that there was a question, or some kind of portion/topic to write about on selected and designated days. I will enclose pictures, and things for any of you readers that would like to join along, or even would like to create your own personal family history journal. 

What is so ironic, is the fact that this journal begins on April 1st and ends on December 31st. To be quite honest? it was April 1st when I found this, and I wanted to start writing right away. As time escaped me, I was even more excited that I had a couple of days left yet to finish Topic Number 1. So here I am, and here it goes. 

I will be creating another blog aside from this one and will post how to start, the topics for each day/date, my own personal entries, etc. If you would like to follow along, comment with your own ideas, or even comment on the topics and apply them to you, please by all means, feel free to do so: 

(I will insert link when blog is made)

The purpose in this is to 

Leave Your Legacy

General Conference Part 1

I am so blessed and grateful to be apart of a culture and religion that teaches the gospel truth. I'm also very grateful to have had the technology I do, to listen to our beloved Prophet, to listen to the messages taught today. I'm indeed grateful for the overflowing love, constant revelations given through the spirit. I cannot even describe how much this conference has truly helped me. 

I was indeed touched by President Eyring and Elder Scott's talks. They seemed to know exactly what I am going through at this time, and brought comfort to my heart in knowing that things will be alright, that my timing is my own, and that the Lord indeed has his own timing for things, and to be patient. 

I wrote in my facebook status something that I had revealed to me while listening to President Eyring's talk, although I am quoting him, I also added some words of my own, because this is how I interpreted it and heard it:

["You can depend on the Lord to help and draw closer to those you love, as you continue to serve in faith and with love"]

I am so blessed to know that. I am excited to re-listen to the words spoken today, and to hear the words that will be spoken tomorrow. 

If you would like to check out these beautiful truths please feel free to join us!

www.lds.org

There is Peace!

This last month has been storming (not litterally), and with every flash of lightening (trials), there has been one thing after another. During times of struggle and such, the words of the prophets and apostles all come to my mind as clear as crystal. The simple words like "Do NOT spend more than you NEED" or "Do NOT be in debt!" and "Save your money for a rainy day" or "Prepare your 72 hour kit" or anything that has to do with being "PREPARED" always leaves me in despair, because alike 5 virgins, I am indeed NOT prepared. Don't get me wrong, I have been doing all I can to try and be prepared, however it is a constant, on-going process, and I almost feel like what I do, does not make even the slightest difference. 

Knowing that struggles help us learn lessons, and lessons help give us different views and perspectives on things, it also makes us stronger and more cautious of how we do things, the next, third, fourth, fifth time around. To that end I'm grateful. It's not big news, nor is it great news, of Havea losing his job. But it is sad and unfortunate because of how much he loved his job and what he did, however, the contract ended, and they let everyone go due to extreme budget cuts. Havea took this as a positive, and is confident of finding work, and I know he will. It's just that period of time that you are trying to find work, and feeling doubt that feel's discouraging. 

After seeing this image, I started to really thing about things, and literally had to STOP! I worry myself so much on the 'what if's' or 'should have's' or 'could haves' instead of just being still, and simply breathing. So, finally doing just that, gave me peace. Havea and I have been planning a temple date, so knowing that that is in our plans for next week, will indeed help me feel a little more peace, guaranteed! I know that so many things are out of my hands, but I also think of things that are within my control and start thinking more carefully about the decisions I'm making in hopes that they are leading me towards the right path and in the right direction for my life. Because I worry, I over analyze, and that leads me to pure craziness, so again, grateful that I live so close to a temple and am able to take advantage (although I haven't) of it, I need to more often though. 

Seeing this quote made me realize that trial and error are necessary in this life because as I now see it, it is just an alter in our decision patterns to get us on the track we are meant to be on, the path we are meant to walk through, the road to the fulfilling of our life and happiness. I sometimes picture my life as I would like it to be, 20 years from now, and see so many beautiful things, like my husband and I getting older, but having the time of our lives, our children grown and bringing children of their own to my home, where family dinners commence, and conversations are full of laughter, children screaming playful words, babies crying, and me, closing my eyes, engulfed in the love. I do visualize these things and think to myself how great my life WILL be as I choose to follow my Savior and remember that all things will happen in the Lords time, be it for the benefit of my soul. I'm so grateful for the lessons He teaches me, because although I may not always like going through these sticky situations, I learn SO MUCH MORE!

So as Havea and I, job hunt, start school, and keep our focus on our beautiful little girl, we will have a TABLE full of LIFE handed to us, but in the end, we shall say that ALL IS WELL, WE DID IT!, and it was SOOOO WORTH IT! 

Life as we know it, constantly changes, but God, He never changes. 

The words to my aunty Jolene's song "There is Peace" came to my mind, and I'd like to conclude this entry with her words. It brought peace to my heart, to contemplate these words and know that I can have peace in the struggle, and that I must "...be of good cheer..." (John 16)

There Is Peace

Music and Lyrics by: Jolene Kanahele

With ev'ry tribulation,
With ev'ry troubled soul-
In ev'ry form of loneliness
That you and I have known.
If we but pray for comfort,
The spirit He will send;
To bless us with the strength we'll
need-Endure to the end!
With ev'ry trial that comes our way
We need not stand alone.
Our Heavenly Father's light
Will lead us back home.
He'll take us in His arms,
In his mansion above
And whisper in our hearts
These simple words of love.
There is peace, there is peace
There is peace for you my child-
There is peace.
In my arms, there is peace
I'll hold you through your trials
There is Peace!
*There is peace for you my child,
There Is Peace!