Try a little harder...

Interlude: I'm so bummed I haven't updated my blogs lately, and yet am trying to decide on what to write about, because there is so much to write about. However, the many things that I've learned lately are overwhelming and special and dear to me, and I'm grateful for these precious moments and the experiences from them that I will remember, treasure and love forever, so I'm just going to kind of squeeze everything together with the theme from above "Try a little harder, to be a little better" taken by former prophet of the LDS church, President Gordon B. Hinckley. 

She's not a baby anymore!

I've been meaning to share my thoughts and feelings on this past April General Conference - LDS General Conference, yet, my thoughts are EVERYWHERE, and where to begin is another story; however, after going through my notes, and reviewing some AMAZING talks, I started to search for LDS quotes and found this! "Try a little harder to be a little better" - President Gordon B. Hinckley. This saying is engraved on my heart, and I know that through time, achieving just the little bit of waking up and eating breakfast, pulling some clothes out of the dryer, folding the clothes, washing dishes, all things that we try harder to do, say our prayers more frequently, read our scriptures for 5 minutes, or 5 more if we can, are ALL things that make us a little better than the last day, better than before - and thats progression. 

Zoee is growing so fast! And as she grows, she continues to teach me lessons that although may be simple, they are life changing. I can't imagine my life without this little girl, and I find myself growing and changing. She grows smarter by the minute! I seriously can't believe how much this little girl has observed, ABSORBED and Learned within this last year and a half. A cute little story, that I have to share is how literal she has take things..

Giving Grandpa Kisses

...My grandpa was admitted to the hospital a little over a week ago, and I know that angels were near. We were concerned for his health, and him making it through the day and my mother called us all (my siblings) down to spend some time and most likely say our goodbyes. We all got to the hospital, and my grandpa was eating some lunch. He hadn't talked or been responsive to the nurses, doctors, let alone my mother (also his caretaker) for the last 2 1/2 days. Zoee entered the room, and though a little scared, finally realized that the feeble man in the bed was indeed grandpa. Within a couple of minutes, she got comfortable and said, "HI GAND-PA!" he quickly turned his head towards her and said clearly "Hi Zoee!" that was a shock and miracle for the nurses. They couldn't believe he responded! Miracle, right? Then later throughout our visit, Zoee got even more comfortable and thought she could test my patience, and ran to the door of the hospital room towards the nurses station, as she stepped out of the room, I called to her immediately saying "Zoee! Get your BUTT back in here!!" She turned to me, looked right at me, and literally bent over as to make sure that only her BUTT was back in the room! Silly girl! She never ceases to amaze me at how much she understands, communicates, or even LOVES!

Zoee haning out with Grandpa

Zoee has a very special spirit about her. She attracts goodness, and she is energetic in following the spirit, something she was blessed with as an infant. She is definitely the "princess" and knows she is, yet though she can be demanding, she is very giving and aware of others around her; especially her favorite pal Grandpa Rowe :) It's safe for me to say that I have never seen such a relationship between a grandfather and great-grand-daughter, and to see their love they share, is special. I am so proud to be the mother of this little girl and to see her setting the high example for me. They will always have a relationship, and I know that when the time comes for him to meet the Lord, he will be amongst the chosen angels to look after Zoee, and guide her. I just know that - and I know Zoee knows that too. From the outside looking in, I've been able to hear conversations between them both, see how much Zoee loves her grandpa and shows him, just as much as he loves her and shows her. I've been able to capture a few, and so there are pictures below :)

Zoee reading to her Great-Grandpa :) 

On another note, recently, yes recently, I've learned and experienced the feeling, when mothers proclaim that their children, are what saved them. After Zoee was born, Havea and I were in an ideal situation. I returned back to work, and decided to give it only 6 months before I would quit - so we could save money; I ended up working 6 months more. In that whole year I was working, I noticed my daughter wasn't really mine (in a sense) - she became trusting and more attached to my mom and sisters more than anything, and it left me broken-hearted to see my little girl, feel so close with someone else and not me, her mother. I started to let those feelings get in the way of developing a relationship with her, and didn't focus on what I needed to do as a mother. It was very hard for me, and I still struggle daily, but all in all taking the advice of President Hinckley, I decided that if I do, "...try a little harder to be a little better" then, I had nothing to fear, and everything would work out. I have to honestly say, January, and this new year of 2013, really gave me the confidence to change things in my life; in particular I started to change my perspective on a lot of things. I tried to focus on relationships because that is what I was lacking with my little girl, and I wasn't doing all I could to be better at it - more so and especially with my daughter. Needless to say, that although this sounds like a terrible confession, I know that a lot of women go through these things, and I started to realize that I was not alone. July 27, 2012 was the last day of work for me, and I made the decision to stay home and raise my child, it was indeed a financial sacrifice, however it was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made, and I have been richly blessed. The relationship between Zoee and I grew, and is still growing. I know for young, or even most mothers in today's society, there are instances where a mother's need to work out of the home, may be a common case and or greatly needed, in order to provide for their children and family. With that said, I have gained an appreciation for both sides, because I have had experience in both situations. It's not an easy thing to let go of a financial income, and it's not easy to sacrifice relationships with your family members because you are in a position to need to provide for them; yet for me, I was blessed to be in the situation I am in and it is worth every sacrifice to me, because I gained a relationship with my little girl that is now strong and continuing to grow stronger. She is such a light and example to me.

Havea and I were privileged to go on a temple date this last month, and after going through the temple, participating in beautiful things we do there, serving and listening to the words spoken, helped give me the assurance that I was doing the right thing. You may wonder, WHY? on earth was it such a hard thing to choose to stay home? HOW? could I even begin to think about being away from this beauty for more than 10 hours a day? The reasons for me was because instead of looking at the here and now, I was looking at a bigger picture, the only thing that I failed to see in the "bigger picture" future, was the relationship between me and my daughter. I know that Havea and I would be in a much better position financially had I kept working, yet, I'm grateful for following the promptings of the spirit in guiding me to stay home, and continue to build my relationship with this precious little girl. 

Being a mother is hard work, and I learn something new EVERY DAY. Some days are better than others, but as I remember the words of the prophets, and particularly President Hinckley and this simply counsel, I will become better, as I strive to try harder to do so. I am richly blessed, and though I struggle, though I fail, I know I can be made strong in the Lord, He will bless me.