Where I Stand...

In the Doctrine and Covenants, chapter 87 verse 8 it reads:

"Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord, Amen."

This scripture came to my mind today as I started to contemplate my life, again! I was reading a post on a blog written by one of my cousins, and I couldn't help but totally relate to what she was saying, let alone, most of the time find that I have had the same kinds of feelings and agree with her. Reading her post made me think of my own life, not only as a daughter, sister, wife and or mother, but as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What kind of member am I? and where do I stand? 

I started thinking back to the very beginning of my involvement with the church to now! As crazy as it may seem, I learned that I am still actively converting to this church, but to the gospel, I am converted. I can't speak for anyone, but I can make a pretty good judgement in saying that most LDS members may feel a pressure to be perfect? All in all even though those words are not taught to us directly, I believe that some members, even myself have felt that being a member of the LDS Church means we HAVE to be "Perfect"!

My testimony of this gospel has taken me a while to receive, and I have only received it by the experiences that I have gone through, personally and with my Savior, through trial and error and having faith, and by realizing this simple structure of our church; this structure I have learned is simply this:

First, The LDS church has been organized by our Lord and Savior. He has set it this way for a reason, although I have yet to learn more about that reason, I know it is not merely important to me why and how it is organized, only that I am grateful it IS indeed organized (unorganized things leave me confused). Second, the GOSPEL has NEVER changed! The gospel doctrine, and principles, (including scriptures, teachings, etc.) have not really changed, or have not changed at all drastically, therefore, I have learned that it is constant, and I can count on referring to this whenever I need, and know the surety that it is indeed inspired of the Lord, and or my Father in Heaven. Third, this GOSPEL and CHURCH is PERFECT, the people in this GOSPEL and CHURCH are NOT!

I will be the first to proclaim that I am not perfect, I struggle with MANY things on a daily basis, and always fall short, but the power of the atonement and prayer, and communicating with Father in Heaven has truly been a blessing in saving my soul. 

There was a period of time in my life, when I was single. I looked REALLY good, back then, and not to be boastful, had a lot of "friends" who were interested and gave me lots of attention. I started to feel and think that the whole going to church thing wasn't for me anymore, one because I just didn't feel there was a valid reason to actually "going" to church and two, because of the gossip, or the "Oh my goodness, can you believe who that person is sitting by? aren't they suppose to be on my side?" or "I can't believe that person is taking the sacrament!" or "Can you believe he/she came to church looking like that?" and so on. It was very discouraging, and I started feeling the question "WHY?!" if we are to stand in holy places, let alone come to a holy place (which church is supposed to be), then why are such harsh judgements and crude remarks made? The reason WHY? readers, is simply because WE ARE ALL HUMAN! WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, AND WE ALL JUDGE, whether that judgment is good or bad, we all do it, and we all SIN! and I've learned that attending church is NOT for perfect people, it's for SINNERS, and if we are all honest about it, we are ALL SINNERS! Going back, I started to question my beliefs, but in all honesty, could not shake them off because I knew in my heart that the teachings taught in this church, the scriptures, the principles, were all indeed CORRECT, and TRUE! I couldn't deny it, as much as I wanted to justify my actions with certain things, I really could not find a good enough reason to NOT go to church. That is when I gained a testimony of going to church, for myself, for my own personal growth, and because I love my Heavenly Father and Savior. I also learned that my Heavenly Father continues to bless me daily, and all he has asked is for me to devout just a little time of my week to sit in His house, think about Him, learn about Him, and literally sit with HIM on Sundays. 

Although being a Latter-Day Saint is wonderful it is hard at times. I find myself now thinking, how much easier it is to just stay home and listen to a General Conference talk then take my little toddler to church, watch her eat cheerios, constantly tell her to stop climbing everywhere only to sit in Nursery for the next 2 hours of the whole church meeting, where she most likely will get sick being around some of the sick kids in there (it has already happened TWICE (sad face)). However, EVERYONE with a toddler, or has had a toddler has done it, and even babies need to know that Sunday is when we go to church. My little one year old already knows when it is Sunday, I don't know how she knows, but every Sunday for the last month and a half or so, she will look at me and say, "Good Morning Mommy! Church! Dress! Church Mommy!" 

With that said, I must be doing something right, and it makes me proud to know my little girl understands; and with her understanding, she is a BIG example to me, to keep going! 

I was helping my husband last night study for his test that he is actually taking today! I know he will do well, however, randomly, I realized that I hadn't been to the temple in a while, and I mentioned to him that I really wanted to go this week. We have it planned out for this week to go, and so I'm excited, because, I need to stand in a holy place, and feel peace. Doing the simple tasks, and simple things, by following the teachings of the Savior, and realizing that these words being taught are from the Savior himself, by keeping the commandments, it is only for OUR benefit, it is for OUR well-being, it is for OUR sanity to keep peace and everlasting joy in our lives. 

I really am looking forward to our temple date and being in that holy place once again, to learn, to contemplate, to feel of the love that Father in Heaven not only has for me, but for all His children. I am so grateful for the gospel, and I am so grateful for churches that allow me a place to worship. Even though I may not have many friends at church, nor don't like some people there, I have learned to understand that they have a life, just as busy, and are struggling, but we are all basically there for the same reason, be it expressing not so nice opinions and being the recipient of hearing those things sometimes, we are all there mainly because we are trying to do what Heavenly Father has asked us to do. We are trying to become Perfected in Him! 

I may not be the perfect mormon to the (molly-mormons) and might be too perfect for (jack-mormons). I'm in between, I'm Jane, I'm not perfect, but I hope to become perfect. I make mistakes, yet I know that as I repent, the Lord forgives me, and it is up to me to right the wrongs that I have done and caused. I struggle every day with things, even simple things, but I don't give up. I am me! I have a view of worldly things and a view of spiritual things, and I try not to get those confused with each other. I try to show empathy to all, and to be understanding, for my goal is to be like my elder brother, Jesus Christ. That is where I stand, that is where I want to be, and I can only do that by fulfilling the covenants I have made, and being my best self. 

the FUTURE is Near.......

Can I Say

EXCITED!

Havea and I have been accepted to Brigham Young University Idaho's Pathway Program! We are enrolled for the Fall 2013 semester and are extremely excited for this opportunity to go to school! Havea has decided what career choice and path he wants to pursue, and I couldn't be more happier for him (he will reveal this occupation in his own time, but chooses to remain discrete until his testing and results are proven excellent - he only likes to display his BEST!) I have no doubt he'll be successful, but that's my hubby's wishes! I'll just throw a hint saying that it has me a bit googly-eyed because he will look just as HOT and AMAZING in his uniform. AH! Ok, now on another note, I've also decided a career choice and path and decided to continue my education in working towards a Bachelor's of Science Degree in Business Administration, eventually transferring to being an Accounting Major and then CPA. To actually know what we want to do in life is so WONDERFUL! I mean, it's like when you're asked the question as a little child, "So, what do you want to be when you grown up?" and as little kids you know we have BIG HOPES and BIG DREAMS! and answer with confidence "The President!" or "RICH!" or "Doctor" or "Like Daddy!!" these dreams sometimes are fed and encouraged, and sometimes they're not, for no apparent reason, we start to believe that as we grow older, our potential for past dreams/hopes are gone, and that we are not fully capable in pursuing those things. Well we need to answer confidently and come out with our dreams, put in the hard work and effort and let it continue on from there. With that said, it feel's GREAT to get this out in the open, to be excited, and just to start this new step towards the progression of our family, life and future. 

I hope to instill in my daughter Zoee and her younger siblings (our future children) the confidence that they can achieve ANYTHING they put their heart and hard-work in to. It is my hope that as a mother that I can be a guide, that I can help enlighten, that I can expand their creativity into things they love, whether it be knitting to a rocket-scientist, I pray that whatever they choose to do in life, it will be focused on enhancing them to be spiritual, exceptional, and wonderful human beings, always delighting in truth. That is my hope. 

Although having an Associates Degree does not mean much to some, it means EVERYTHING to me, and I really would not have accomplished that, if it were not for my AMAZING mother! Although my mom can be pushy sometimes, she has ALWAYS pushed me in the right direction, not of direction of her choosing, but a direction that was surely right for me. She always encouraged me to pursue my education, to make it a priority so that someday, I may be successful in what I desire to do in life. I really didn't take her seriously at all, but I know that each time she spoke, she was encouraging me. It may not have always seemed like that to my little 16 year old brain, but all in all, I knew she was, deep in my heart, I knew it. 

In the scriptures, it talks about mothers, and how they were a tremendous influence on their young sons. It says as follows:

In Alma 56:47-48

47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the ^aliberty of their ^bfathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their ^cmothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

 48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their ^amothers, saying: We ^bdo not doubt our mothers knew it

I have been blessed to KNOW that my mother did not doubt me or the potential I have. She has taught me to overcome obstacles in all situations and types of "weather".

Another part of future is looking bright, although it may seem like a long road, we are hopeful for the outcome. Occupations! In the mean time of us both going to school, we are grateful to my parents for hosting us in their home for as long as we need to accomplish our education, and allowing us the care for Zoee when needed when we will be working! Going back to work, was not so hot for me, cause I have thoroughly enjoyed staying home with my little girl, and seeing her grow in so many ways. I really don't know how I did it that first year of working. I honestly think the separation this time will be a whole lot harder, yet, thank goodness, she loves my family just as much as I do, so when needed she won't feel so out of place. 

I'm so excited for our future, I'm excited for the answered prayer of having the opportunity to go back to school, both Havea and I are. We are excited for a healthy baby girl, and a wonderful family that supports and loves us. 

"I never said this life would be easy, I just said it would be worth it!" 

-Unknown

the Future is Near....... and we are EMBRACING it! 

Now for a nice walk on the beach!

Until next time!

Terrible 2's starting too early!

This whole last week, I have been struggling with a severely TERRIBLE cough! It's been keeping me up at night and I haven't been able to get a wink of peaceful sleep. (Let's just say it's been so bad, that I'd rather wake up to a crying, hungry baby, then have to cough hysterically all night). So it's been WONDERFUL (sarcastically speaking). All in all, yesterday was a bit of a challenge when my little 18 month old decided that she was not going to LISTEN! YUP! Ladies and Gents! She decided she was a big girl and was going to do WHATEVER she could to get what SHE WANTED! Yikes! It was her first ever tantrum, and it wasn't her last. She SCREAMED for almost 10 minutes straight! I honestly froze and didn't know what to do, except to tell her to stop crying, to calm down or go in time-out! (Ok, yes, a little whack on the butt sometimes is needed). So after attempting all of those, I had no choice but to put her in her bed and let her cry it out there. The funny thing is that I was so dumbfounded at how great she played me. I mean she had me going for 10 minutes. After then I realized that I had simply let her take control! Wait, what? did I just say "...I let her take control?" Yes! and it WASN'T good. This mistake surely bit me again, TODAY!

Precisely around the same time (NAP TIME), she starts the water-works, with a little kicking and screaming, some hand swatting and calling out to any family member around. Everyone was supportive of my putting her in time out and she just got even more and more mad. I tried to tell her to calm down, and kept telling her to stop crying so she could come out of time out, but she did the very OPPOSITE! She decided that time out is where she wanted to be, she wanted to scream her head off, and she didn't want me nor anyone else touching her. Even more CONFUSED! I realized that something needed to change.

Now why am I confessing my mommy-failures here on my blog? well 1. because it's my journal, and 2. if any mothers reading find themselves in the same situation, comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

All in all, I learned that sometimes when I'm stressed with other things in my life, my daughter picks up on it, and she knows when to manipulate, yes even at 18 months, she knows how to manipulate. I started to think about am I stern enough? or am I too stern? am I a bad mother? am I even cut out for this? I really do question these things. To know that this isn't even close to what I will someday encounter with my little Zoee or my future children, boggles my mind, and I wonder if I really am doing everything that I can be doing?

Being a Mommy is HARD WORK! It's draining, it's suspenseful, it's adventurous, it's sometimes discouraging; but when I think about the impact I'm making on that little girl, it's AMAZING! I know that there is a reason why I am her mother and she's my daughter, and I hope from this post that people read that I don't hate my child, I'm just a struggling mother who has yet a LOT to learn. I love my daughter very much. She's extremely smart, and extremely bright, and sometimes I don't know how to handle that, but I'm trying! Each and every day!

Confessions of a failed mommy, strike 2!

We shall see what the future holds!

On a good note, she's starting to SING! See Video below!

Zoee and Selena Gomez!

Communication

I have some confessions to reveal here in this post today, I have been very guilty of not communicating well and have been a hypocrite because I demand communication; all in all marriage is a learning experience that helps us grow and life is the playground. It's been a pretty stressful month, and although there have been many great highlights this month, the bad things just seem to get the best of me and leave me worried, discouraged and scared. 

Then I saw this picture:

God's Voice Vs. Satan's Voice

God's Voice

1. Stills You

2. Leads You

3. Reassures You

4. Enlightens You

5. Encourages You

6. Comforts You

7. Calms You

8. Convicts You

Satan's Voice

1. Rushes You

2. Pushes You

3. Frightens You

4. Confuses You

5. Discourages You

6. Worries You

7. Obsesses You

8. Condemns You

So although I have many more items of feeling on Satan's list, I need to take Elder Uchtdorfs words to heart and, "STOP IT!" and all I have to say is, "GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!" My husband and I have been given some tough situations this last month that has given us a big opportunity to test our faith. As stubborn as I can be, and in all honesty, it has been VERY hard for me to trust. I have already had many trust issues, but trusting in my Lord, my Savior, hasn't ever been a problem, until now. I have fallen like many in thinking that Heavenly Father doesn't have time for me, or doesn't have the time to grant me favors that probably would not matter to Him anyway, and how more STUPID  does that sound, or STUPID can I be?? Goodness gracious, He's my Heavenly Father for goodness sakes! He LOVES ME! I know that! I have been feeling very vulnerable, scared, worried, and all the above, and have not humbled myself to feel peace. I took some frustration out on my husband and sadly only made myself feel worst, yet made him feel bad too. Bad Wife badge :( Gracefully, my husband understands me, loves me and is extremely patient with me. I am so grateful for the awesome man he is and just how in tune with the spirit he is, he doesn't realize how much he is, but he is. 

Ok, the next thing I'm about to say is really WHY I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and it is through simple and small things that I feel such a GREAT amount of Love from Him. My wonderful, patient and loving husband communicated to me. Naturally, in a calm yet firm way, he was able to communicate his feelings, help me understand what he needed me to understand, while also making a point that he understood exactly what I was trying to communicate the night before, in which I  kind of did a bad job at. This is what he did! 

#1 He called me babe! Havea and I, from day 1 of the start of our relationship, our dating       relationship, we have always referred to each other as "Babe or Baby" it grew more and more as we got closer, to "honey, sexy, lover, beautiful, handsome, sugar-lips, etc." When he calls me 'babe', it literally STILLS my soul. I can't explain how much it calms me. 

#2 He asked me out on a date! He was inviting me out of the place where I was feeling vulnerable and worried, and LEADING me into a new environment, where I could have a change of scenery, not think about ALL the troubles, and just re-group, focus and have an open heart and mind.  So he invited me to the beach, to hear the waves crash, to feel the breeze, and to just hold hands and talk! (He makes me fall in love with him more each day)

#3 As we were talking about the things that we are going to be faced with, he started to REASSURE me of his desires for our family, we went over our plans, and I started to feel peace and goodness from what we were talking about. 

#4 I started talking about things and options for different things, and he was actually listening and chimed in with his thoughts and ENLIGHTENED me with his words. As we talked it felt like our view of our future was growing bigger and brighter, and warmth started to fill my heart. 

#5 We started talking about options for our family and going back to school is a desire we both have. I told him that I was excited to do the pathway program in the fall and he was more than ENCOURAGING, he was routing for me! He even decided that it would be a great idea for him too, and so we are finding a way for us BOTH to be going to school and we are ever more SOOO EXCITED! 

#6 Later that night he COMFORTED me! No details needs to be said! :) 

#7 I was CALMED by his spirit, by his love for me and Zoee and for his dedication to be the leader, the head, the man, the father, the Patriarch of our family. I am so grateful to have been given a man of this nature, who has so many Godly Attributes. 

#8 I'm not sure how Convicts is part of it, but it was a good opportunity to humble myself and realize that I have been guilty of not trusting the Lord, trusting my husband and trusting myself.

COMMUNICATION is KEY! 

MUSIC!

Heard this by the piano guys on YOUTUBE! Amazing! I just love the sounds of the piano! I haven't even heard the original yet. But because this is so calming and soothing, maybe I don't want to! Thought I'd share! :) 

Understanding

Being understanding and showing empathy is a gift. A gift that I have need to learn, obtain and maintain. It's easy to judge those around you when you don't fully understand what the other person has been through, experienced, or is continuing to work through at the time. It's easy to loose sight of Heavenly Father's view of them, and easy to judge. I do not think it is at all wrong to judge others, but "judging wrongly" is a whole lot different. I can honestly say that I have been/am guilty of judging wrongly, and can see that my action(s) in doing so have cost me great things. I know that I have been guilty of losing sight of the bigger picture, and although believing that I am standing up for what is right, I only stand foolish with the ammo I hold, aimed at myself.

Trying to be more understanding and empathetic, I have taken to heart these beautiful Mormon Messages on YouTube! For those of my readers, friends who are not LDS, they are WONDERFUL little reminders of life's greatest lessons. One in particular stood out to me while writing this post, and the link is included below.

Lessons I Learned as a Boy, President Gordon B. Hinckley

After watching this clip and seeing the wisdom of the older boy, I was given the opportunity to "know better" to share in his wisdom and spread silver dollars in the hearts of those around me, who are indeed God's children also. I have been shown empathy, and have been given countless silver dollars by my Savior, through the atonement and the power of repentance and forgiveness. It is my responsibility, and even in my heart to truly forgive.

I started to recall words spoken in my patriarchal blessing (for those of you who do not know what this is, please refer to Patriarchal Blessings at www.lds.org or www.mormon.org; more information and explanation can be given there). In my blessing, I am privileged to have said to me in the very beginning that my gift in this life, is love. I have the ability to love all those around me, my brothers, my sisters, my parents, my family, friends, and yet all those whom are my brothers and sisters in this world. Reading the words "...yours is a gift of love..." touched my heart, and made me think that as right or wrong as I can be when upset, or trying to stand for something, if I do not show love then, I am not standing up for myself, I am not letting love flow, nor be shown, given or felt. I need to work harder, and have taken it upon myself to know that although I know I am human, although I know I will have days of failure, I am committed to my Savior, to my Father in Heaven and His divine plan for me.

Being married to the love of my life has truly brought my life joy. Although I can say that marriage is not easy, and it certainly is an up and down roller-coaster ride, I am glad to know that no matter what, I KNOW that my husband is the man I am supposed to be with, in this life and all through eternity. I am so grateful for his love, for his understanding of me, and although he'd like to cuddle me to no end at night, I'm grateful for his understanding in letting me blog my feelings, journal them here, and let me get these things in my head, written and recorded. He knows how important it is to me, and I'm grateful for his understanding in letting me do so.

I am so grateful for a beautiful daughter. She has brought more laughs, more hugs, more LOVE into our family. I'm grateful for her understanding of me, and am so sad that she is the first to experience my mistakes that I make as a parent, yet she is the most patient, and keeps me on my toes. I'm so grateful for her.

I have mainly wanted to write this post in regards to a relationship that I have possibly broken/damaged, and with heart-felt prayer, thoughts, and receiving inspiration on what to do, this was my answer. The relationship that I have had with this person has not been an easy one, we have not always seen eye to eye on things, and although we are very much set in our ways, (as women are), I have come up with the conclusion that my building a sincere and heart-felt relationship with this person, is simply important for me, my husband and our posterity, because she will yet be there also. By taking action in showing sincerity and empathy, we show love. I hope that is what she feels, and I hope she knows deeply, that I am trying to be understanding, that I am trying to make amends. I want this relationship to work, and to flourish into a beautiful thing that allows our families to be joined, connected and united. I hope that if reading this she will know of my sincerity, and know that I love her for the woman she is and tries to be.

It is my hope and prayer that I may be more understanding and see those around me as the Savior sees them, to try and actively practice the words in Mosiah, "...to mourn with those that mourn, to stand in need of those who need comfort..." this only is sincerely felt, if we MEAN IT!

I mean my actions, and I mean my words. I pray that as I mature, as I grow, as I experience, that I too will have a greater understanding for life, for my Savior, for my family, for my friends, for myself.

Answers..

Started this morning off a little bad, but felt it got better as time progressed. Got my hot sexy man off to work, and came back up to see Zoee still asleep. Tempting as it was, yes, I gave in and decided to catch some more rest also. Well I got a little "too" much rest, and woke up to my awesome brother playing with Zoee. Fed her toast and a banana, and he bathed her! How awesome is my brother!? Lucky, I woke up, took over and dressed her. Let her play down stairs and started jus randomly pondering about life. I know I get spacey most times, but today, I just felt the need to uplift my soul and nourish it spiritually. It had been a while since I really listens to some conference talks, and so, I decided to clean my room and do so. I had the October 2012 session playing and found that even more inspiration started to come to me. I felt my thoughts generate towards more beautiful and wholesome things and my mind clear and receptive to great ideas. My mood was enlightened with calmness, and patience with my daughter more abundant. I drastically noticed the difference!

Though my post-partum depression had linked to even deeper depression, I am so grateful that receiving the inspiration from Heavenly Father to listen to these talks, was basically Him telling me, please turn these words on, I need to talk to you. Talk after talk, I could hear the voice of my Savior, my Heavenly Father and the spirit confirm to me, that each day is a gift and living the gospel is what makes this gift so special; it makes us happy.

I know I need to go day by day, and each day gets better as I work towards focusing my mind on more positive things that will help me out of these heavy chains of depression. When I focus on these things and hear the voices of the tabernacle choir sing, or even the tender jokes of a loving and real prophet, it makes my day, and helps me to know how precious my soul is, how deeply loved I am!

The picture of the quote below is something I saw posted on Facebook! Understanding my role as a mother also contributes to my success of seeing light and having less gloomy/gray/dark days!

Thought it was a beautiful reminder!