Zozo

How fun! My brother Joseph "Uncle Joseph" took Zoee and put her in her pool! They had LOTS of fun!! :)) 

This was taken at the cemetery on Memorial Day when we went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Rowes graves! The Fely Family was there as well and brought their dog ONO! Zoee had fun playing with the dog an throwing the ball! :) 

Solo Sunday

A while back, I made a heartfelt decision to always attend church, no matter how challenging, how tired, or drained I may be, whether my husband could make it with me or not. Having a toddler and doing this challenge (needless to say, it is a challenge for me) is very testing and trying. Being the one having to entertain her as not to disrupt others at church is a skill I tell you, and that of which for me, but I know that going to church and attending my meetings, helping my daughter be familiar with our Sunday schedule, routine, and most importantly developing a relationship with our Father in Heaven and being familiar with His teachings, is what we both need and what I desire to provide for her as a mother and as to fulfill the promise I made to my Heavenly Father. 

I've been riding solo for about two weeks now, I know this is NOT in anyway comparable to those who have husbands /spouses away for months or even years at a time, yet I feel sad when my husband is not with me; although I'm sad my husband hasn't come the last two weeks, the positive I see is that I've actually been able to enjoy the one-on-one time with Zoee in a way. I'll admit coming to church alone makes me want to cry, but I feel strengthened. 

On a side note: I suffer from depression and anxiety and usually when I have to depend on myself, it is fine; when I have someone depending on me, and me having to provide or perform, it's hard and sometimes I loose focus and can't function in the way I desperately want to and find myself not being who I really want to be. This has been my on-going challenge, and trying to fix this part of myself is a conscious, everyday effort, but I can see the positive effects that it has on me when I make the effort and I have noticed me feeling whole and better while attending church and it helps me more especially, when I fulfill promises I have made and continually make with my Heavenly Father. 

In sacrament today, we had a double-farewell. Sister Sydney Reed and Elder Richie Angel. Sydney was called to the Spokane, Washington State Mission and Richie to Chile. They gave wonderful talks and I was very happy to have been in the congregation to listen to them speak; Since Zoee was born, my attendance has mostly been spent in foyers because of Zoees active personality. (Not a bad thing). Anyway, I was grateful to be actually among everyone in the congregation of church today, and was even more grateful to be where we were sitting; we were sitting behind the Moore Family, Sister Bess Moore, her husband Leland Moore Sr. And their son Leland Jr. Zoee felt right at home with Sister Moore, sat by her, showed her her books, drawing board and talked with her. It was precious to see, yet I honestly felt sad being that my daughter was more comfortable sitting with a complete stranger, rather then sitting with me her mother. I saw this experience (looking from outside of the box) as an opportunity for change, and I pray that I will be given the strength, and that The Lord will help guide me to rekindle a relationship, a stronger relationship with my daughter. In a more positive way of thinking, I was very grateful for Sister Moore in being so patient and loving towards Zoee and helping me with her so that she would be occupied in the meeting and not make so much disruption. It was comforting to me as a Mother in this ward to know that there are other individuals, Brothers and Sisters in this ward that will care and love my daughter just as much as I do. It brought me great joy and I felt taken care of, blessed and loved. Zoee ended up coming back to me, and while and during the middle of Richie Angels talk, she escaped ((knots in my tummy!!)) 

Now we were sitting in the very back row of chairs that were set in the cultural hall. The curtains were open from the chapel to the cultural hall because of the many people in attendance for these two farewells, and it being Memorial Day Weekend, a lot of people usually vacation here. 

So anyway, back to her escaping. She ran off and through the last two rows of people in the cultural hall. When I could not catch her, I seriously wanted to drop and cry because there I was her mother, and she would not come to me, at all. 

I wasn't merely upset at all for her running around, but more so because she did not look at me, more so she did not want to come to me; holding snacks towards her didn't even give her any satisfaction. 

I tried to hold my tears back, and as red/blushed as I felt (from being so embarrassed) members started to evaluate the situation quickly and were understanding. When she started to come near them, they were all trying to direct her to come to me. I should be more grateful that she didn't scream or yell, and all she did was run around, but even that is not appropriate and I felt like a failing mother. Eventually I saw her stop and she had found a little boy to sit by, observe and play with. The parents of that little boy smiled up at me, and as Zoee saw me coming, her urge to run again came upon her, and the little boys father saw that and grabbed her quickly before she could run off again, then graciously returning her to me. Seriously wanting to cry some more, and cry even harder, I felt my chest swell and heavy, my eyes getting watery and just wanting to give up and say no, we will just go home; yet, in that moment, I grabbed Zoee, held her to me and cuddled her, told her I loved her very much, sat down in our seats and told her that we would be going to nursery soon. She got excited and I think surprised that I didn't scold her. Although I don't condone or support that behavior, I couldn't help but have mercy on her because she is a baby, she is a child, my child. 

I am very grateful for the gospel, and I'm grateful for the lesson Heavenly Father taught me today. For the past several weeks, I have not felt very much apart of this ward, and I have never felt like I fit in here at all, but Today, he changed that for me. It allowed me closure, and I felt I could move on. More importantly, I felt that it was a good opportunity to help me accomplish something on my own, and to recognize how much this has strengthened my testimony. 

Zoee did go to nursery and she stayed the whole entire time with out crying, without kicking and screaming, and that in itself was a blessing and testimony builder for me, because by fulfilling your promises to The Lord, He in turn fulfills His. I NEVER thought that in the last 3 months (I know it's not that long) my daughter would go to nursery by herself (ok, not very positive thinking, but it was getting discouraging) but, she did it! Heavenly Father helped me, and He helped her and everything worked out. 

In Relief Society, Marie Miller (such a sweetheart) gave a beautiful lesson on the Priesthood and it's power - the influence of it in our lives. It was a beautiful lesson and I enjoyed hearing the comments of the sisters as they shared and in them, their testimonies. 

I am grateful for my husband and for the way he loves me, as his wife, companion and mother of his children, and I'm even more richly blessed to see him love our daughter so tenderly. I'm grateful for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to be the leader of our home and family. I could not have asked for a better man. 

An experience I have to share, last week, Monday, May 13th was my hubby's 25th birthday! He wanted to go on a hike up the Calavera Trail and I was surely not liking the idea because of it being SOOOO HOT that day! Me and heat don't mix very well most times.. Anyway, we grabbed a little lunch, and Zoee was falling asleep and he decided that we just go home instead of hiking, yet my brain was happy with the idea, my mouth started to blab the words, "no babe, it's your birthday, you wanted to go, so we're going!" I couldn't believe this came out of my mouth and I had no clue as to why? 

Later as we got to the beginning of the trail, a young man from out of town, from Alabama came running up to us LOST. He was visiting a friend who is a marine and unfortunately his friend was on duty til the next morning. He had no clue how to get back to his friends house, eventually, we found it and he was indeed grateful. 

We went to go get some gas and Havea turns to me and says "I'm surprised you didn't invite him to my birthday party tonight!" I replied, "was I suppose to?" 

We then felt a strong impression to invite him over and he gladly accepted the invitation. Not a member of the church, he instantly became a dear friend of the family. His name is Colton. He enjoyed his time with us, and we thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him. He said being here with our family made him feel like he was back at home, at his farm. 

To make someone feel comfortable in a home is beautiful and a huge compliment to us. I am grateful for the spirit and the priesthood, that invites, unites and creates such peace. I know for a fact that  it was indeed the spirit talking through me that day, and that inviting Colton home was something Heavenly Father wanted for not only him, but for us. So that we might have that opportunity to share in a veiling reunion with a dear brother of ours, whom we haven't seen since the pre-existence. It was a wonderful night, and special birthday for my husband. 

I am now home, calm and grateful for this beautiful day, to reflect on the blessings of my Father in Heaven, and am in deep gratitude for the power of the priesthood so that I CAN FEEL these special things everyday throughout my life. 

Tragedy

Tragedy struck yesterday as a recorded F4 Tornado struck Oklahoma leaving many injured, and a death rate severe. It saddens me to know that most families are experiencing loss, and are going through immense pain in knowing that loved ones are still not found, accounted for or have passed. It was recorded that 20 students were presumed dead and many more injured. 

My heart and prayers go out to the victims of this tragic event and to the hearts of parents who have lost their children, I ache for you. I will mourn with you. I will pray that The Lord, hold your hearts tenderly, that you all may feel comfort, peace and healing. 

I looked a my little girl today, and saw how much she grows, learns, understands and I am in awe! She is everything worth living for, and yet, changing my life to do so, has been a great challenge for me health wise. Little by little, motivation increases, and I'm grateful for each new day. I've specifically learned today that time is precious. We do not know when life's tornadoes will be upon us, we need to take time with or children, loved ones, to let them know they are loved. They are wanted, so that when the adversary throws us unwanted situations, they will know that no matter what their family loves them, their Heavenly Father loves them. I pray that Zoee may always know these things, that  I may have the strength and will to reminder her, teach her, show her these things. 

Perspective

So.... I finally created my blog the way I actually like it! It's taken me a while to play with different backgrounds and styles, and I'm just glad I finally found something I like! :)

Each day that passes, I learn the "why's" to my questions. I have made it a personal and very high prioritized goal this year, to really focus on relationships - as I previously mentioned in a previous post. I also, felt that while building relationships with my daughter, family members and friends, it was indeed a good time to bring it all home. When I say bring it home, I mean to come home to my Father in Heaven and start talking with Him more. Though prayers are constantly in my heart, and though I'm still working at my relationship, I'm grateful to have one, and grateful for the peace I feel when I am answered.

I have alway had a misconception as to why I do things, and more so particularly, why I go to church. As much as I LOVE my church and this gospel, and BELIEVE it with ALL MY HEART! I still am human, and still feel things that are good for me, bad for me, and make me feel happy, and make me feel sad. I will admit, going to church is one of my biggest hurdles, not because it's hard for me, but because it's troubling to see so many imperfect people "acting" like they're perfect. I know that sounds judgmental, but it is hard for me. I usually always stay to myself, am kind, and continue to be who I am. Although I know we all judge one another, I've been trying to be heartfelt in my dealings with people and genuinely kind, because that is who I am. I started to think of reasons why I come to church, and have been taught that "people are not perfect, neither are we, we come to church because we love The Lord, and this is what he wants us to do". I have thought so many reasons as to why it's not practical to go to church, and I started to realize that for me thinking such a thing, I was indeed no better than people I have judged. I really needed to re-evaluate my view. Instead of wondering why, I gave myself a reason why, and that reason is because "God wants me there, he wants to speak with me."

I started to think of my own life fast-forwarded to about 15 years, and thinking about myself as a parent in that time, thinking about my now 1 year old entering her 16th year. I started to think about what I wanted for her and her future; I started thinking and I know that what I want for her is for her to be smart, athletic, strong in the gospel, and so forth. Yet, I realized, that the only way for her to know about the gospel and "real" experiences with people in the gospel, would really be through going to and being active in church.

I had so many negative reasons and feelings as to why I hated going to church, most of them being "people are so hypocritical, so mean, everyone is in a clique, I feel over-looked, not noticed, etc" then I looked around relief society, and saw so many women who get over looked, never called on to participate, who always sit by themselves, and I thought to myself how sad! I mean, here I am complaining at 25 years old, and these women are in their 60s most alone or widowed, or have never been married, yet faithfully, they come, they sit, they listen. Hello Jane! I have A LOT to learn!

With this new view and perspective, I went home pondering this. Then when helping prep dinner, one of my sisters was complaining about 'going' to church and how it is so over rated and that she is just over the whole thing! I knew she was only complaining of the same things and for the same kinds of reasons as I did; and quickly I responded, and it was like the spirit made me speak, I said "I've learned that I'm not going to church because church is where I'm supposed to be, but because this is where Heavenly Father NEEDS me to be! I'm going because He has set a time, an appointment with me. It is up to me to keep that appointment and worship Him and with Him. He knows and is aware of my feelings and I know he does not discredit them one bit, but he knows that either way, through inspiration, through the spirit, through anything, something at church will be said, will be expressed, and He wants me to know He is thinking of me. In a way, I've learned to view Church as checking in! Checking in with my Heavenly Father! It is simply an opportunity to be answered, and why would we miss out on an opportunity to receive answers?

I'm grateful for new perspectives, new views, new beginnings, new learning, etc. I'm grateful for the promptings of the spirit and to know that I am becoming more and more worthy to hold that spirit with me.

Insomnia: WIDE AWAKE!

First, PRESS PLAY! and listen while you read :)

I say this, because this is the song I heard while I was dreaming!

It's a beautiful feeling when you wake up remembering the dream you just had. I have found my dreams to be a source of inspiration from Heavenly Father, of course only the good ones. Most of my dreams have always consisted of things that I need to change in my life, improve upon, something that was or may be coming and I would be faced with, kind of like a warning. Gratefully, I have been able to recognize that these dreams are simply Heavenly Father's way of communicating with me. I truly believe that with all my heart. 

As a background, I started to remember what yesterday was, and why I had the dream I did, and I quickly realized just now, that yesterday (April 25) marks the one year anniversary that I miscarried our second child.  Why would I remember such a thing? to be honest, it is just very hard for me to forget; and I have been sad about it since. I have had other joys this past year to leave me happy and focus on, but the pain of losing a child, and thinking you're the cause for this child to not develop, to grow, was and is indeed heartbreaking for me to comprehend; amongst a lot of things, I have not forgiven myself about this, I felt broken. I also felt that if I forget this experience, it is almost like forgetting that I even had a child. Even though this child was not born physically to us, it still was given life inside of me and was given the opportunity to be apart of our family. Although this may be hard for some people to understand, I feel that one can only be given the right to feel how they must. 

Havea and I were truly excited for this new baby, yet scared all at the same time. When complications started to arise, and through the miscarriage of our baby last year, the thoughts of having another baby have always been in our minds because we wanted to, as parents, give this child another opportunity to return to us, and we felt that Heavenly Father needed them for a while longer. To make myself feel a little better, I thought up this story in my mind, which I will share in a later post; but I want to continue on with my dream. 

Last night, I dreamt that I was a little older than I am now, probably around my late 20's entering my early 30's. I hadn't had any children after Zoee, and Zoee was 8 years old. Some of the facts that I KNEW for sure in my dream, were:

1. My husband and I were in Utah for General Conference

2. There were sections of the conference center that had these very comfortable red chairs. 

3. I looked a lot better physically (this was a plus)

While I knew these things, I was in a secluded area of the conference center. Sitting and waiting patiently, and I was calm. I knew Havea and Zoee were sitting listening to the messages, and I could hear, yet it was muffled. All of the sudden, I could see that I was left alone. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel frightened, it was like there was a special balcony area of conference that was reserved special for just me. 

Within a couple of minutes, waiting there, this polynesian man, kind of short with curly black hair, dressed in a white suite, like the men who dress at the temple, placed in my arms a newborn infant child, a little boy. He was wrapped in a pure white blanket, and it seemed to have glowed. This little boy looked so much like my husband Havea, and has a lot of his features and was just pure beautiful. At that very moment, I held this baby, and I never let him go. He was given to me especially. I knew he was mine, forever. 

Not knowing everything is simply having faith. I know that Heavenly Father will bless our family again with more children, and I hope to be the best mother, and candidate for special spirits, after all, he did entrust me with this special little girl Zoee, who helps me view life in beautiful ways. I feel my life changing, I feel the spirit more, and although I am not perfect, I know that my trying harder to be a little better, is surely all my Father in Heaven expects of me. I am grateful for this dream, the comfort it has provided me, and the beauty I experienced in that sacred and beautiful place. 

Insomnia

Right now, yes now, it is close to 4am and I am still not slightly a bit sleepy. My body signals that I am tired and feeling relaxed, yet my eyes are not heavy, nor am I nodding off. I could be really upset at this moment, but I'd rather take this opportunity to appreciate the silence, the sounds of night that I so often miss out on, due to me usually sleeping :)

1: Zoee has been sick the last couple of days, throwing up and all that not so pretty stuff; being up now and hearing just the sound of her breath, inhaling, exhaling, seeing her chest raise, her eyes squint as I shine a little light to see her face, is priceless. But more so, not hearing her cough, and seeing her rest peacefully gives me great satisfaction because that means she's getting better! Yay!

2: So obviously married people sleep together, right? Well of course! Laying here next to my hubby, hearing his breath, seeing him cuddle in a position comfortable, studying his features and watching his chest raise up and down in sync with his breath, is actually a beautiful sight ladies! You should try it - if you ever get insomnia.

As you can see my insomnia has given me some funny things to write about, so, with that said, this woman is going to try and get some sleep!!

Goodnight :) or I mean good morning! :)

Try a little harder...

Interlude: I'm so bummed I haven't updated my blogs lately, and yet am trying to decide on what to write about, because there is so much to write about. However, the many things that I've learned lately are overwhelming and special and dear to me, and I'm grateful for these precious moments and the experiences from them that I will remember, treasure and love forever, so I'm just going to kind of squeeze everything together with the theme from above "Try a little harder, to be a little better" taken by former prophet of the LDS church, President Gordon B. Hinckley. 

She's not a baby anymore!

I've been meaning to share my thoughts and feelings on this past April General Conference - LDS General Conference, yet, my thoughts are EVERYWHERE, and where to begin is another story; however, after going through my notes, and reviewing some AMAZING talks, I started to search for LDS quotes and found this! "Try a little harder to be a little better" - President Gordon B. Hinckley. This saying is engraved on my heart, and I know that through time, achieving just the little bit of waking up and eating breakfast, pulling some clothes out of the dryer, folding the clothes, washing dishes, all things that we try harder to do, say our prayers more frequently, read our scriptures for 5 minutes, or 5 more if we can, are ALL things that make us a little better than the last day, better than before - and thats progression. 

Zoee is growing so fast! And as she grows, she continues to teach me lessons that although may be simple, they are life changing. I can't imagine my life without this little girl, and I find myself growing and changing. She grows smarter by the minute! I seriously can't believe how much this little girl has observed, ABSORBED and Learned within this last year and a half. A cute little story, that I have to share is how literal she has take things..

Giving Grandpa Kisses

...My grandpa was admitted to the hospital a little over a week ago, and I know that angels were near. We were concerned for his health, and him making it through the day and my mother called us all (my siblings) down to spend some time and most likely say our goodbyes. We all got to the hospital, and my grandpa was eating some lunch. He hadn't talked or been responsive to the nurses, doctors, let alone my mother (also his caretaker) for the last 2 1/2 days. Zoee entered the room, and though a little scared, finally realized that the feeble man in the bed was indeed grandpa. Within a couple of minutes, she got comfortable and said, "HI GAND-PA!" he quickly turned his head towards her and said clearly "Hi Zoee!" that was a shock and miracle for the nurses. They couldn't believe he responded! Miracle, right? Then later throughout our visit, Zoee got even more comfortable and thought she could test my patience, and ran to the door of the hospital room towards the nurses station, as she stepped out of the room, I called to her immediately saying "Zoee! Get your BUTT back in here!!" She turned to me, looked right at me, and literally bent over as to make sure that only her BUTT was back in the room! Silly girl! She never ceases to amaze me at how much she understands, communicates, or even LOVES!

Zoee haning out with Grandpa

Zoee has a very special spirit about her. She attracts goodness, and she is energetic in following the spirit, something she was blessed with as an infant. She is definitely the "princess" and knows she is, yet though she can be demanding, she is very giving and aware of others around her; especially her favorite pal Grandpa Rowe :) It's safe for me to say that I have never seen such a relationship between a grandfather and great-grand-daughter, and to see their love they share, is special. I am so proud to be the mother of this little girl and to see her setting the high example for me. They will always have a relationship, and I know that when the time comes for him to meet the Lord, he will be amongst the chosen angels to look after Zoee, and guide her. I just know that - and I know Zoee knows that too. From the outside looking in, I've been able to hear conversations between them both, see how much Zoee loves her grandpa and shows him, just as much as he loves her and shows her. I've been able to capture a few, and so there are pictures below :)

Zoee reading to her Great-Grandpa :) 

On another note, recently, yes recently, I've learned and experienced the feeling, when mothers proclaim that their children, are what saved them. After Zoee was born, Havea and I were in an ideal situation. I returned back to work, and decided to give it only 6 months before I would quit - so we could save money; I ended up working 6 months more. In that whole year I was working, I noticed my daughter wasn't really mine (in a sense) - she became trusting and more attached to my mom and sisters more than anything, and it left me broken-hearted to see my little girl, feel so close with someone else and not me, her mother. I started to let those feelings get in the way of developing a relationship with her, and didn't focus on what I needed to do as a mother. It was very hard for me, and I still struggle daily, but all in all taking the advice of President Hinckley, I decided that if I do, "...try a little harder to be a little better" then, I had nothing to fear, and everything would work out. I have to honestly say, January, and this new year of 2013, really gave me the confidence to change things in my life; in particular I started to change my perspective on a lot of things. I tried to focus on relationships because that is what I was lacking with my little girl, and I wasn't doing all I could to be better at it - more so and especially with my daughter. Needless to say, that although this sounds like a terrible confession, I know that a lot of women go through these things, and I started to realize that I was not alone. July 27, 2012 was the last day of work for me, and I made the decision to stay home and raise my child, it was indeed a financial sacrifice, however it was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made, and I have been richly blessed. The relationship between Zoee and I grew, and is still growing. I know for young, or even most mothers in today's society, there are instances where a mother's need to work out of the home, may be a common case and or greatly needed, in order to provide for their children and family. With that said, I have gained an appreciation for both sides, because I have had experience in both situations. It's not an easy thing to let go of a financial income, and it's not easy to sacrifice relationships with your family members because you are in a position to need to provide for them; yet for me, I was blessed to be in the situation I am in and it is worth every sacrifice to me, because I gained a relationship with my little girl that is now strong and continuing to grow stronger. She is such a light and example to me.

Havea and I were privileged to go on a temple date this last month, and after going through the temple, participating in beautiful things we do there, serving and listening to the words spoken, helped give me the assurance that I was doing the right thing. You may wonder, WHY? on earth was it such a hard thing to choose to stay home? HOW? could I even begin to think about being away from this beauty for more than 10 hours a day? The reasons for me was because instead of looking at the here and now, I was looking at a bigger picture, the only thing that I failed to see in the "bigger picture" future, was the relationship between me and my daughter. I know that Havea and I would be in a much better position financially had I kept working, yet, I'm grateful for following the promptings of the spirit in guiding me to stay home, and continue to build my relationship with this precious little girl. 

Being a mother is hard work, and I learn something new EVERY DAY. Some days are better than others, but as I remember the words of the prophets, and particularly President Hinckley and this simply counsel, I will become better, as I strive to try harder to do so. I am richly blessed, and though I struggle, though I fail, I know I can be made strong in the Lord, He will bless me.