Eternal Love

On July 1, 2013, my husband and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. Today, July 2, 2013, we celebrate 2 years of eternal marriage. It is special and brings great joy and comfort knowing that we are sealed for time and all eternity under the sacred covenant of the Lord, and that our marriage is recognized as an eternal relationship between ourselves and God. I am so blessed to be married to Havea and to be his choice. It is amazing to me, just how much we have grown, both individually, and closer together. I honestly did not see myself at this point of my life, having what I have, and hold dear to my heart. I am so grateful. 

Marriage! Marriage is not all fun and games, it is work! HARD WORK! It is the sincere effort of both individuals to help aid the needs of one another, and to lift, to nurture, to sustain, to love. I can honestly say that I have a man who does this so perfectly. He is a wonderful husband, provider, father and lover!  Although we have our moments, and mostly it is because of me (I'm a brat!) I'm grateful for the relationship we have, the fact that it is ever changing and never boring! I learn so much about myself when I'm with my husband. He helps me become better, a better person, a better wife, a better mother. He encourages, supports and tenderly loves me. 

I came across this music video Justin Young and Colbie Caillat "Puzzle Pieces" Check it out! 

Puzzle Pieces

I wanted to mainly come on here to tell my husband how much I LOVE HIM! I thank God for the blessing of him in my life and for saving me! I love you babe with all my heart, may we enjoy the time we have and feel secure that our love will last through the eternities! 

Happy Anniversary!

Hope in the Journey..

When I saw this picture, I thought to myself, TOTALLY ME! And even my husband and people who know me, know that I'm always fascinated with the finish line and don't really like the journey, and don't like seeing it! It's not that it's because it's hard, it's because something psychologically tells me that I need to hurry, to do it fast, to be the best! Kind of like a competitive conscience I can't seem to turn off! It's funny cause I'm not very competitive at all. Anyway, I don't delight in the journey. It really is like with everything, I don't really care for road-trips because I have alway thought them boring, too long to get somewhere that can possibly take a shorter time with another route, i.e. plane! I'd rather sit in a plane for 1 1/2 hours to Utah then drive the 9-10 hrs in a car. WEIRD and SELFISH this may sound, I know! But all in all, maybe it's because I have always viewed life like that; I always DREAM. 

Dreaming is good, and I highly encourage dreaming! Dreaming expands your mind to new dimensions, new possibilities, ideas and creativity! It's a beautiful process that I seriously treasure, dreaming is my journey, yet I need to come down to reality and know that my dreams in that instant are not real, yet, how do I make these things real? That is truly enjoying each moment inspired, through the difficult decisions, the manual labor, the sleepless nights, the integrity, the mocking/laughing, the sweat, the memorization, the pressure, and seeing at that finish line, how much of a diamond you've become. 

I have the Zillow Apps on my phone, and I created a query to tell me when new homes in a certain area have popped up and let me know the price and info for contact and such to rent and or buy. Havea and I are in NO POSITION yet to buy a home, but to see that physically, knowing my dream, to own a home, I know it will happen someday. So how is it that I can go about building my dreams? 

Well, we, Havea and I, are attending school through BYU-Idahos, Pathway Program. I will be working towards my bachelors degree and my husband will be working towards his Associates first. This is how we are going to get our dream home, by getting an education! This road we are starting our journey on this year, is going to be very rough, very challenging, and very hard, but I know that we can do it, and I know this "road-trip" is worth it, every cent put into it, every mile driven through it! We are on our way to success, and on our way to change our lives, the lives of our children, and future posterity. I'm so grateful for this inspired program and for the way in which the Gospel, yet again has provided opportunities to help sustain us members, to help provide opportunities for growth, for improvement, to help us reach our dreams. 

I'm delighting in this journey, and I'm evermore excited because my husband and I will be doing it together-hand in hand, one step at a time. 

Summer Days

It's been quite an interesting kick off to summer.. and though life seems calm, I'm prepared for the insane busy-ness we will be receiving. Music Jobs, Family Trips (more like stay-cations), beach nights, s'mores, bomb-fires, snuggling, temple nights, Zoee dates, family, etc. 

Summer is my favorite time to reconnect with life and family, and just "hakuna-matata!" 

Well going with the Lion King theme, my little one, like Simba in the movie is more curious then curious George! She is moving into things more quickly, her personality is fiesty, maturing and sweet, she's like chipotle, sweet and spicy :) lol.. Funny analogies I know, but I can help it. She is starting to potty train and more so herself, and it's been quite easy on me. So I'm grateful for that. She has taught me so much more and our relationship as mother and daughter has grown tremendously and she has established more the mere fact that I'm "mommy" and that we belong together. It's a comfort to feel that bond and to have it strengthened. I may be a terrible mother for admitting that, but it's true! #confessionsofamoderndaymommy 

I know that a lot of things have distracted me from really seeing my potential, really progressing in my life, and a lot of that has to do with my depression, but all in all, my husband has been my biggest support. I'm grateful for him bringing light to my life, and showing me love in my most difficult forms. He's so patient, and I hope to achieve that level of patience in my life, someday. I'm so grateful that I married him, and this year for our 3rd anniversary, I hope to show him fully how much I love him, I'm grateful for #thedatingdivas and #pinterest for helping me with ideas :) thank you in advance :) 

This summer my goal is to loose 30lbs and just start breathing! Breathing in life, and exhaling death. Dead emotions, dead thoughts, dead feelings, dead energy. Start breathing in each moment as if it were my last, breath in fresh air, to rejuvenate and refresh my body, to heal, to strengthen, to enlighten. 

So my next posts for the next couple of months will be my progress on these things :) 

This WILL be the FIRST summer I actually ENJOY! :) Happy Summer Friends and Family! Love you All! 

Zozo

How fun! My brother Joseph "Uncle Joseph" took Zoee and put her in her pool! They had LOTS of fun!! :)) 

This was taken at the cemetery on Memorial Day when we went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Rowes graves! The Fely Family was there as well and brought their dog ONO! Zoee had fun playing with the dog an throwing the ball! :) 

Solo Sunday

A while back, I made a heartfelt decision to always attend church, no matter how challenging, how tired, or drained I may be, whether my husband could make it with me or not. Having a toddler and doing this challenge (needless to say, it is a challenge for me) is very testing and trying. Being the one having to entertain her as not to disrupt others at church is a skill I tell you, and that of which for me, but I know that going to church and attending my meetings, helping my daughter be familiar with our Sunday schedule, routine, and most importantly developing a relationship with our Father in Heaven and being familiar with His teachings, is what we both need and what I desire to provide for her as a mother and as to fulfill the promise I made to my Heavenly Father. 

I've been riding solo for about two weeks now, I know this is NOT in anyway comparable to those who have husbands /spouses away for months or even years at a time, yet I feel sad when my husband is not with me; although I'm sad my husband hasn't come the last two weeks, the positive I see is that I've actually been able to enjoy the one-on-one time with Zoee in a way. I'll admit coming to church alone makes me want to cry, but I feel strengthened. 

On a side note: I suffer from depression and anxiety and usually when I have to depend on myself, it is fine; when I have someone depending on me, and me having to provide or perform, it's hard and sometimes I loose focus and can't function in the way I desperately want to and find myself not being who I really want to be. This has been my on-going challenge, and trying to fix this part of myself is a conscious, everyday effort, but I can see the positive effects that it has on me when I make the effort and I have noticed me feeling whole and better while attending church and it helps me more especially, when I fulfill promises I have made and continually make with my Heavenly Father. 

In sacrament today, we had a double-farewell. Sister Sydney Reed and Elder Richie Angel. Sydney was called to the Spokane, Washington State Mission and Richie to Chile. They gave wonderful talks and I was very happy to have been in the congregation to listen to them speak; Since Zoee was born, my attendance has mostly been spent in foyers because of Zoees active personality. (Not a bad thing). Anyway, I was grateful to be actually among everyone in the congregation of church today, and was even more grateful to be where we were sitting; we were sitting behind the Moore Family, Sister Bess Moore, her husband Leland Moore Sr. And their son Leland Jr. Zoee felt right at home with Sister Moore, sat by her, showed her her books, drawing board and talked with her. It was precious to see, yet I honestly felt sad being that my daughter was more comfortable sitting with a complete stranger, rather then sitting with me her mother. I saw this experience (looking from outside of the box) as an opportunity for change, and I pray that I will be given the strength, and that The Lord will help guide me to rekindle a relationship, a stronger relationship with my daughter. In a more positive way of thinking, I was very grateful for Sister Moore in being so patient and loving towards Zoee and helping me with her so that she would be occupied in the meeting and not make so much disruption. It was comforting to me as a Mother in this ward to know that there are other individuals, Brothers and Sisters in this ward that will care and love my daughter just as much as I do. It brought me great joy and I felt taken care of, blessed and loved. Zoee ended up coming back to me, and while and during the middle of Richie Angels talk, she escaped ((knots in my tummy!!)) 

Now we were sitting in the very back row of chairs that were set in the cultural hall. The curtains were open from the chapel to the cultural hall because of the many people in attendance for these two farewells, and it being Memorial Day Weekend, a lot of people usually vacation here. 

So anyway, back to her escaping. She ran off and through the last two rows of people in the cultural hall. When I could not catch her, I seriously wanted to drop and cry because there I was her mother, and she would not come to me, at all. 

I wasn't merely upset at all for her running around, but more so because she did not look at me, more so she did not want to come to me; holding snacks towards her didn't even give her any satisfaction. 

I tried to hold my tears back, and as red/blushed as I felt (from being so embarrassed) members started to evaluate the situation quickly and were understanding. When she started to come near them, they were all trying to direct her to come to me. I should be more grateful that she didn't scream or yell, and all she did was run around, but even that is not appropriate and I felt like a failing mother. Eventually I saw her stop and she had found a little boy to sit by, observe and play with. The parents of that little boy smiled up at me, and as Zoee saw me coming, her urge to run again came upon her, and the little boys father saw that and grabbed her quickly before she could run off again, then graciously returning her to me. Seriously wanting to cry some more, and cry even harder, I felt my chest swell and heavy, my eyes getting watery and just wanting to give up and say no, we will just go home; yet, in that moment, I grabbed Zoee, held her to me and cuddled her, told her I loved her very much, sat down in our seats and told her that we would be going to nursery soon. She got excited and I think surprised that I didn't scold her. Although I don't condone or support that behavior, I couldn't help but have mercy on her because she is a baby, she is a child, my child. 

I am very grateful for the gospel, and I'm grateful for the lesson Heavenly Father taught me today. For the past several weeks, I have not felt very much apart of this ward, and I have never felt like I fit in here at all, but Today, he changed that for me. It allowed me closure, and I felt I could move on. More importantly, I felt that it was a good opportunity to help me accomplish something on my own, and to recognize how much this has strengthened my testimony. 

Zoee did go to nursery and she stayed the whole entire time with out crying, without kicking and screaming, and that in itself was a blessing and testimony builder for me, because by fulfilling your promises to The Lord, He in turn fulfills His. I NEVER thought that in the last 3 months (I know it's not that long) my daughter would go to nursery by herself (ok, not very positive thinking, but it was getting discouraging) but, she did it! Heavenly Father helped me, and He helped her and everything worked out. 

In Relief Society, Marie Miller (such a sweetheart) gave a beautiful lesson on the Priesthood and it's power - the influence of it in our lives. It was a beautiful lesson and I enjoyed hearing the comments of the sisters as they shared and in them, their testimonies. 

I am grateful for my husband and for the way he loves me, as his wife, companion and mother of his children, and I'm even more richly blessed to see him love our daughter so tenderly. I'm grateful for his worthiness to hold the priesthood and to be the leader of our home and family. I could not have asked for a better man. 

An experience I have to share, last week, Monday, May 13th was my hubby's 25th birthday! He wanted to go on a hike up the Calavera Trail and I was surely not liking the idea because of it being SOOOO HOT that day! Me and heat don't mix very well most times.. Anyway, we grabbed a little lunch, and Zoee was falling asleep and he decided that we just go home instead of hiking, yet my brain was happy with the idea, my mouth started to blab the words, "no babe, it's your birthday, you wanted to go, so we're going!" I couldn't believe this came out of my mouth and I had no clue as to why? 

Later as we got to the beginning of the trail, a young man from out of town, from Alabama came running up to us LOST. He was visiting a friend who is a marine and unfortunately his friend was on duty til the next morning. He had no clue how to get back to his friends house, eventually, we found it and he was indeed grateful. 

We went to go get some gas and Havea turns to me and says "I'm surprised you didn't invite him to my birthday party tonight!" I replied, "was I suppose to?" 

We then felt a strong impression to invite him over and he gladly accepted the invitation. Not a member of the church, he instantly became a dear friend of the family. His name is Colton. He enjoyed his time with us, and we thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him. He said being here with our family made him feel like he was back at home, at his farm. 

To make someone feel comfortable in a home is beautiful and a huge compliment to us. I am grateful for the spirit and the priesthood, that invites, unites and creates such peace. I know for a fact that  it was indeed the spirit talking through me that day, and that inviting Colton home was something Heavenly Father wanted for not only him, but for us. So that we might have that opportunity to share in a veiling reunion with a dear brother of ours, whom we haven't seen since the pre-existence. It was a wonderful night, and special birthday for my husband. 

I am now home, calm and grateful for this beautiful day, to reflect on the blessings of my Father in Heaven, and am in deep gratitude for the power of the priesthood so that I CAN FEEL these special things everyday throughout my life. 

Tragedy

Tragedy struck yesterday as a recorded F4 Tornado struck Oklahoma leaving many injured, and a death rate severe. It saddens me to know that most families are experiencing loss, and are going through immense pain in knowing that loved ones are still not found, accounted for or have passed. It was recorded that 20 students were presumed dead and many more injured. 

My heart and prayers go out to the victims of this tragic event and to the hearts of parents who have lost their children, I ache for you. I will mourn with you. I will pray that The Lord, hold your hearts tenderly, that you all may feel comfort, peace and healing. 

I looked a my little girl today, and saw how much she grows, learns, understands and I am in awe! She is everything worth living for, and yet, changing my life to do so, has been a great challenge for me health wise. Little by little, motivation increases, and I'm grateful for each new day. I've specifically learned today that time is precious. We do not know when life's tornadoes will be upon us, we need to take time with or children, loved ones, to let them know they are loved. They are wanted, so that when the adversary throws us unwanted situations, they will know that no matter what their family loves them, their Heavenly Father loves them. I pray that Zoee may always know these things, that  I may have the strength and will to reminder her, teach her, show her these things. 

Perspective

So.... I finally created my blog the way I actually like it! It's taken me a while to play with different backgrounds and styles, and I'm just glad I finally found something I like! :)

Each day that passes, I learn the "why's" to my questions. I have made it a personal and very high prioritized goal this year, to really focus on relationships - as I previously mentioned in a previous post. I also, felt that while building relationships with my daughter, family members and friends, it was indeed a good time to bring it all home. When I say bring it home, I mean to come home to my Father in Heaven and start talking with Him more. Though prayers are constantly in my heart, and though I'm still working at my relationship, I'm grateful to have one, and grateful for the peace I feel when I am answered.

I have alway had a misconception as to why I do things, and more so particularly, why I go to church. As much as I LOVE my church and this gospel, and BELIEVE it with ALL MY HEART! I still am human, and still feel things that are good for me, bad for me, and make me feel happy, and make me feel sad. I will admit, going to church is one of my biggest hurdles, not because it's hard for me, but because it's troubling to see so many imperfect people "acting" like they're perfect. I know that sounds judgmental, but it is hard for me. I usually always stay to myself, am kind, and continue to be who I am. Although I know we all judge one another, I've been trying to be heartfelt in my dealings with people and genuinely kind, because that is who I am. I started to think of reasons why I come to church, and have been taught that "people are not perfect, neither are we, we come to church because we love The Lord, and this is what he wants us to do". I have thought so many reasons as to why it's not practical to go to church, and I started to realize that for me thinking such a thing, I was indeed no better than people I have judged. I really needed to re-evaluate my view. Instead of wondering why, I gave myself a reason why, and that reason is because "God wants me there, he wants to speak with me."

I started to think of my own life fast-forwarded to about 15 years, and thinking about myself as a parent in that time, thinking about my now 1 year old entering her 16th year. I started to think about what I wanted for her and her future; I started thinking and I know that what I want for her is for her to be smart, athletic, strong in the gospel, and so forth. Yet, I realized, that the only way for her to know about the gospel and "real" experiences with people in the gospel, would really be through going to and being active in church.

I had so many negative reasons and feelings as to why I hated going to church, most of them being "people are so hypocritical, so mean, everyone is in a clique, I feel over-looked, not noticed, etc" then I looked around relief society, and saw so many women who get over looked, never called on to participate, who always sit by themselves, and I thought to myself how sad! I mean, here I am complaining at 25 years old, and these women are in their 60s most alone or widowed, or have never been married, yet faithfully, they come, they sit, they listen. Hello Jane! I have A LOT to learn!

With this new view and perspective, I went home pondering this. Then when helping prep dinner, one of my sisters was complaining about 'going' to church and how it is so over rated and that she is just over the whole thing! I knew she was only complaining of the same things and for the same kinds of reasons as I did; and quickly I responded, and it was like the spirit made me speak, I said "I've learned that I'm not going to church because church is where I'm supposed to be, but because this is where Heavenly Father NEEDS me to be! I'm going because He has set a time, an appointment with me. It is up to me to keep that appointment and worship Him and with Him. He knows and is aware of my feelings and I know he does not discredit them one bit, but he knows that either way, through inspiration, through the spirit, through anything, something at church will be said, will be expressed, and He wants me to know He is thinking of me. In a way, I've learned to view Church as checking in! Checking in with my Heavenly Father! It is simply an opportunity to be answered, and why would we miss out on an opportunity to receive answers?

I'm grateful for new perspectives, new views, new beginnings, new learning, etc. I'm grateful for the promptings of the spirit and to know that I am becoming more and more worthy to hold that spirit with me.

Insomnia: WIDE AWAKE!

First, PRESS PLAY! and listen while you read :)

I say this, because this is the song I heard while I was dreaming!

It's a beautiful feeling when you wake up remembering the dream you just had. I have found my dreams to be a source of inspiration from Heavenly Father, of course only the good ones. Most of my dreams have always consisted of things that I need to change in my life, improve upon, something that was or may be coming and I would be faced with, kind of like a warning. Gratefully, I have been able to recognize that these dreams are simply Heavenly Father's way of communicating with me. I truly believe that with all my heart. 

As a background, I started to remember what yesterday was, and why I had the dream I did, and I quickly realized just now, that yesterday (April 25) marks the one year anniversary that I miscarried our second child.  Why would I remember such a thing? to be honest, it is just very hard for me to forget; and I have been sad about it since. I have had other joys this past year to leave me happy and focus on, but the pain of losing a child, and thinking you're the cause for this child to not develop, to grow, was and is indeed heartbreaking for me to comprehend; amongst a lot of things, I have not forgiven myself about this, I felt broken. I also felt that if I forget this experience, it is almost like forgetting that I even had a child. Even though this child was not born physically to us, it still was given life inside of me and was given the opportunity to be apart of our family. Although this may be hard for some people to understand, I feel that one can only be given the right to feel how they must. 

Havea and I were truly excited for this new baby, yet scared all at the same time. When complications started to arise, and through the miscarriage of our baby last year, the thoughts of having another baby have always been in our minds because we wanted to, as parents, give this child another opportunity to return to us, and we felt that Heavenly Father needed them for a while longer. To make myself feel a little better, I thought up this story in my mind, which I will share in a later post; but I want to continue on with my dream. 

Last night, I dreamt that I was a little older than I am now, probably around my late 20's entering my early 30's. I hadn't had any children after Zoee, and Zoee was 8 years old. Some of the facts that I KNEW for sure in my dream, were:

1. My husband and I were in Utah for General Conference

2. There were sections of the conference center that had these very comfortable red chairs. 

3. I looked a lot better physically (this was a plus)

While I knew these things, I was in a secluded area of the conference center. Sitting and waiting patiently, and I was calm. I knew Havea and Zoee were sitting listening to the messages, and I could hear, yet it was muffled. All of the sudden, I could see that I was left alone. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel frightened, it was like there was a special balcony area of conference that was reserved special for just me. 

Within a couple of minutes, waiting there, this polynesian man, kind of short with curly black hair, dressed in a white suite, like the men who dress at the temple, placed in my arms a newborn infant child, a little boy. He was wrapped in a pure white blanket, and it seemed to have glowed. This little boy looked so much like my husband Havea, and has a lot of his features and was just pure beautiful. At that very moment, I held this baby, and I never let him go. He was given to me especially. I knew he was mine, forever. 

Not knowing everything is simply having faith. I know that Heavenly Father will bless our family again with more children, and I hope to be the best mother, and candidate for special spirits, after all, he did entrust me with this special little girl Zoee, who helps me view life in beautiful ways. I feel my life changing, I feel the spirit more, and although I am not perfect, I know that my trying harder to be a little better, is surely all my Father in Heaven expects of me. I am grateful for this dream, the comfort it has provided me, and the beauty I experienced in that sacred and beautiful place. 

Insomnia

Right now, yes now, it is close to 4am and I am still not slightly a bit sleepy. My body signals that I am tired and feeling relaxed, yet my eyes are not heavy, nor am I nodding off. I could be really upset at this moment, but I'd rather take this opportunity to appreciate the silence, the sounds of night that I so often miss out on, due to me usually sleeping :)

1: Zoee has been sick the last couple of days, throwing up and all that not so pretty stuff; being up now and hearing just the sound of her breath, inhaling, exhaling, seeing her chest raise, her eyes squint as I shine a little light to see her face, is priceless. But more so, not hearing her cough, and seeing her rest peacefully gives me great satisfaction because that means she's getting better! Yay!

2: So obviously married people sleep together, right? Well of course! Laying here next to my hubby, hearing his breath, seeing him cuddle in a position comfortable, studying his features and watching his chest raise up and down in sync with his breath, is actually a beautiful sight ladies! You should try it - if you ever get insomnia.

As you can see my insomnia has given me some funny things to write about, so, with that said, this woman is going to try and get some sleep!!

Goodnight :) or I mean good morning! :)

Try a little harder...

Interlude: I'm so bummed I haven't updated my blogs lately, and yet am trying to decide on what to write about, because there is so much to write about. However, the many things that I've learned lately are overwhelming and special and dear to me, and I'm grateful for these precious moments and the experiences from them that I will remember, treasure and love forever, so I'm just going to kind of squeeze everything together with the theme from above "Try a little harder, to be a little better" taken by former prophet of the LDS church, President Gordon B. Hinckley. 

She's not a baby anymore!

I've been meaning to share my thoughts and feelings on this past April General Conference - LDS General Conference, yet, my thoughts are EVERYWHERE, and where to begin is another story; however, after going through my notes, and reviewing some AMAZING talks, I started to search for LDS quotes and found this! "Try a little harder to be a little better" - President Gordon B. Hinckley. This saying is engraved on my heart, and I know that through time, achieving just the little bit of waking up and eating breakfast, pulling some clothes out of the dryer, folding the clothes, washing dishes, all things that we try harder to do, say our prayers more frequently, read our scriptures for 5 minutes, or 5 more if we can, are ALL things that make us a little better than the last day, better than before - and thats progression. 

Zoee is growing so fast! And as she grows, she continues to teach me lessons that although may be simple, they are life changing. I can't imagine my life without this little girl, and I find myself growing and changing. She grows smarter by the minute! I seriously can't believe how much this little girl has observed, ABSORBED and Learned within this last year and a half. A cute little story, that I have to share is how literal she has take things..

Giving Grandpa Kisses

...My grandpa was admitted to the hospital a little over a week ago, and I know that angels were near. We were concerned for his health, and him making it through the day and my mother called us all (my siblings) down to spend some time and most likely say our goodbyes. We all got to the hospital, and my grandpa was eating some lunch. He hadn't talked or been responsive to the nurses, doctors, let alone my mother (also his caretaker) for the last 2 1/2 days. Zoee entered the room, and though a little scared, finally realized that the feeble man in the bed was indeed grandpa. Within a couple of minutes, she got comfortable and said, "HI GAND-PA!" he quickly turned his head towards her and said clearly "Hi Zoee!" that was a shock and miracle for the nurses. They couldn't believe he responded! Miracle, right? Then later throughout our visit, Zoee got even more comfortable and thought she could test my patience, and ran to the door of the hospital room towards the nurses station, as she stepped out of the room, I called to her immediately saying "Zoee! Get your BUTT back in here!!" She turned to me, looked right at me, and literally bent over as to make sure that only her BUTT was back in the room! Silly girl! She never ceases to amaze me at how much she understands, communicates, or even LOVES!

Zoee haning out with Grandpa

Zoee has a very special spirit about her. She attracts goodness, and she is energetic in following the spirit, something she was blessed with as an infant. She is definitely the "princess" and knows she is, yet though she can be demanding, she is very giving and aware of others around her; especially her favorite pal Grandpa Rowe :) It's safe for me to say that I have never seen such a relationship between a grandfather and great-grand-daughter, and to see their love they share, is special. I am so proud to be the mother of this little girl and to see her setting the high example for me. They will always have a relationship, and I know that when the time comes for him to meet the Lord, he will be amongst the chosen angels to look after Zoee, and guide her. I just know that - and I know Zoee knows that too. From the outside looking in, I've been able to hear conversations between them both, see how much Zoee loves her grandpa and shows him, just as much as he loves her and shows her. I've been able to capture a few, and so there are pictures below :)

Zoee reading to her Great-Grandpa :) 

On another note, recently, yes recently, I've learned and experienced the feeling, when mothers proclaim that their children, are what saved them. After Zoee was born, Havea and I were in an ideal situation. I returned back to work, and decided to give it only 6 months before I would quit - so we could save money; I ended up working 6 months more. In that whole year I was working, I noticed my daughter wasn't really mine (in a sense) - she became trusting and more attached to my mom and sisters more than anything, and it left me broken-hearted to see my little girl, feel so close with someone else and not me, her mother. I started to let those feelings get in the way of developing a relationship with her, and didn't focus on what I needed to do as a mother. It was very hard for me, and I still struggle daily, but all in all taking the advice of President Hinckley, I decided that if I do, "...try a little harder to be a little better" then, I had nothing to fear, and everything would work out. I have to honestly say, January, and this new year of 2013, really gave me the confidence to change things in my life; in particular I started to change my perspective on a lot of things. I tried to focus on relationships because that is what I was lacking with my little girl, and I wasn't doing all I could to be better at it - more so and especially with my daughter. Needless to say, that although this sounds like a terrible confession, I know that a lot of women go through these things, and I started to realize that I was not alone. July 27, 2012 was the last day of work for me, and I made the decision to stay home and raise my child, it was indeed a financial sacrifice, however it was one of the greatest decisions I have ever made, and I have been richly blessed. The relationship between Zoee and I grew, and is still growing. I know for young, or even most mothers in today's society, there are instances where a mother's need to work out of the home, may be a common case and or greatly needed, in order to provide for their children and family. With that said, I have gained an appreciation for both sides, because I have had experience in both situations. It's not an easy thing to let go of a financial income, and it's not easy to sacrifice relationships with your family members because you are in a position to need to provide for them; yet for me, I was blessed to be in the situation I am in and it is worth every sacrifice to me, because I gained a relationship with my little girl that is now strong and continuing to grow stronger. She is such a light and example to me.

Havea and I were privileged to go on a temple date this last month, and after going through the temple, participating in beautiful things we do there, serving and listening to the words spoken, helped give me the assurance that I was doing the right thing. You may wonder, WHY? on earth was it such a hard thing to choose to stay home? HOW? could I even begin to think about being away from this beauty for more than 10 hours a day? The reasons for me was because instead of looking at the here and now, I was looking at a bigger picture, the only thing that I failed to see in the "bigger picture" future, was the relationship between me and my daughter. I know that Havea and I would be in a much better position financially had I kept working, yet, I'm grateful for following the promptings of the spirit in guiding me to stay home, and continue to build my relationship with this precious little girl. 

Being a mother is hard work, and I learn something new EVERY DAY. Some days are better than others, but as I remember the words of the prophets, and particularly President Hinckley and this simply counsel, I will become better, as I strive to try harder to do so. I am richly blessed, and though I struggle, though I fail, I know I can be made strong in the Lord, He will bless me. 

As The Clock Turns!

While going through some of my old journals and things, I came across a book that my mother had compiled many years ago for me and my sisters. I believe it was actually a Relief Society Project that she put together years ago, and saw how beautiful and important it was that she decided to make each of us girls (my sisters) one. I have always kept it, and have always known it was there, yet never really went through it. As I continued to turn each page, I notice that I really hadn't done ANYTHING with this journal, and felt that it would be a great project to start, right? I mean it wouldn't hurt to do some family history, or even leave some kind of legacy for my children/posterity, right? So as my desire grew stronger to complete this project, the more I got excited. In all honesty, I feel like it was the spirit telling me that doing this is what I need to do, and for some reason, I feel that if I do not do it now, then a greater portion of my memories will leave me and I will be left with nothing. I continued on looking through the book and realized that this was a journal to be completed in one year, (if could) and that there was a question, or some kind of portion/topic to write about on selected and designated days. I will enclose pictures, and things for any of you readers that would like to join along, or even would like to create your own personal family history journal. 

What is so ironic, is the fact that this journal begins on April 1st and ends on December 31st. To be quite honest? it was April 1st when I found this, and I wanted to start writing right away. As time escaped me, I was even more excited that I had a couple of days left yet to finish Topic Number 1. So here I am, and here it goes. 

I will be creating another blog aside from this one and will post how to start, the topics for each day/date, my own personal entries, etc. If you would like to follow along, comment with your own ideas, or even comment on the topics and apply them to you, please by all means, feel free to do so: 

(I will insert link when blog is made)

The purpose in this is to 

Leave Your Legacy

General Conference Part 1

I am so blessed and grateful to be apart of a culture and religion that teaches the gospel truth. I'm also very grateful to have had the technology I do, to listen to our beloved Prophet, to listen to the messages taught today. I'm indeed grateful for the overflowing love, constant revelations given through the spirit. I cannot even describe how much this conference has truly helped me. 

I was indeed touched by President Eyring and Elder Scott's talks. They seemed to know exactly what I am going through at this time, and brought comfort to my heart in knowing that things will be alright, that my timing is my own, and that the Lord indeed has his own timing for things, and to be patient. 

I wrote in my facebook status something that I had revealed to me while listening to President Eyring's talk, although I am quoting him, I also added some words of my own, because this is how I interpreted it and heard it:

["You can depend on the Lord to help and draw closer to those you love, as you continue to serve in faith and with love"]

I am so blessed to know that. I am excited to re-listen to the words spoken today, and to hear the words that will be spoken tomorrow. 

If you would like to check out these beautiful truths please feel free to join us!

www.lds.org

There is Peace!

This last month has been storming (not litterally), and with every flash of lightening (trials), there has been one thing after another. During times of struggle and such, the words of the prophets and apostles all come to my mind as clear as crystal. The simple words like "Do NOT spend more than you NEED" or "Do NOT be in debt!" and "Save your money for a rainy day" or "Prepare your 72 hour kit" or anything that has to do with being "PREPARED" always leaves me in despair, because alike 5 virgins, I am indeed NOT prepared. Don't get me wrong, I have been doing all I can to try and be prepared, however it is a constant, on-going process, and I almost feel like what I do, does not make even the slightest difference. 

Knowing that struggles help us learn lessons, and lessons help give us different views and perspectives on things, it also makes us stronger and more cautious of how we do things, the next, third, fourth, fifth time around. To that end I'm grateful. It's not big news, nor is it great news, of Havea losing his job. But it is sad and unfortunate because of how much he loved his job and what he did, however, the contract ended, and they let everyone go due to extreme budget cuts. Havea took this as a positive, and is confident of finding work, and I know he will. It's just that period of time that you are trying to find work, and feeling doubt that feel's discouraging. 

After seeing this image, I started to really thing about things, and literally had to STOP! I worry myself so much on the 'what if's' or 'should have's' or 'could haves' instead of just being still, and simply breathing. So, finally doing just that, gave me peace. Havea and I have been planning a temple date, so knowing that that is in our plans for next week, will indeed help me feel a little more peace, guaranteed! I know that so many things are out of my hands, but I also think of things that are within my control and start thinking more carefully about the decisions I'm making in hopes that they are leading me towards the right path and in the right direction for my life. Because I worry, I over analyze, and that leads me to pure craziness, so again, grateful that I live so close to a temple and am able to take advantage (although I haven't) of it, I need to more often though. 

Seeing this quote made me realize that trial and error are necessary in this life because as I now see it, it is just an alter in our decision patterns to get us on the track we are meant to be on, the path we are meant to walk through, the road to the fulfilling of our life and happiness. I sometimes picture my life as I would like it to be, 20 years from now, and see so many beautiful things, like my husband and I getting older, but having the time of our lives, our children grown and bringing children of their own to my home, where family dinners commence, and conversations are full of laughter, children screaming playful words, babies crying, and me, closing my eyes, engulfed in the love. I do visualize these things and think to myself how great my life WILL be as I choose to follow my Savior and remember that all things will happen in the Lords time, be it for the benefit of my soul. I'm so grateful for the lessons He teaches me, because although I may not always like going through these sticky situations, I learn SO MUCH MORE!

So as Havea and I, job hunt, start school, and keep our focus on our beautiful little girl, we will have a TABLE full of LIFE handed to us, but in the end, we shall say that ALL IS WELL, WE DID IT!, and it was SOOOO WORTH IT! 

Life as we know it, constantly changes, but God, He never changes. 

The words to my aunty Jolene's song "There is Peace" came to my mind, and I'd like to conclude this entry with her words. It brought peace to my heart, to contemplate these words and know that I can have peace in the struggle, and that I must "...be of good cheer..." (John 16)

There Is Peace

Music and Lyrics by: Jolene Kanahele

With ev'ry tribulation,
With ev'ry troubled soul-
In ev'ry form of loneliness
That you and I have known.
If we but pray for comfort,
The spirit He will send;
To bless us with the strength we'll
need-Endure to the end!
With ev'ry trial that comes our way
We need not stand alone.
Our Heavenly Father's light
Will lead us back home.
He'll take us in His arms,
In his mansion above
And whisper in our hearts
These simple words of love.
There is peace, there is peace
There is peace for you my child-
There is peace.
In my arms, there is peace
I'll hold you through your trials
There is Peace!
*There is peace for you my child,
There Is Peace! 

Where I Stand...

In the Doctrine and Covenants, chapter 87 verse 8 it reads:

"Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord, Amen."

This scripture came to my mind today as I started to contemplate my life, again! I was reading a post on a blog written by one of my cousins, and I couldn't help but totally relate to what she was saying, let alone, most of the time find that I have had the same kinds of feelings and agree with her. Reading her post made me think of my own life, not only as a daughter, sister, wife and or mother, but as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What kind of member am I? and where do I stand? 

I started thinking back to the very beginning of my involvement with the church to now! As crazy as it may seem, I learned that I am still actively converting to this church, but to the gospel, I am converted. I can't speak for anyone, but I can make a pretty good judgement in saying that most LDS members may feel a pressure to be perfect? All in all even though those words are not taught to us directly, I believe that some members, even myself have felt that being a member of the LDS Church means we HAVE to be "Perfect"!

My testimony of this gospel has taken me a while to receive, and I have only received it by the experiences that I have gone through, personally and with my Savior, through trial and error and having faith, and by realizing this simple structure of our church; this structure I have learned is simply this:

First, The LDS church has been organized by our Lord and Savior. He has set it this way for a reason, although I have yet to learn more about that reason, I know it is not merely important to me why and how it is organized, only that I am grateful it IS indeed organized (unorganized things leave me confused). Second, the GOSPEL has NEVER changed! The gospel doctrine, and principles, (including scriptures, teachings, etc.) have not really changed, or have not changed at all drastically, therefore, I have learned that it is constant, and I can count on referring to this whenever I need, and know the surety that it is indeed inspired of the Lord, and or my Father in Heaven. Third, this GOSPEL and CHURCH is PERFECT, the people in this GOSPEL and CHURCH are NOT!

I will be the first to proclaim that I am not perfect, I struggle with MANY things on a daily basis, and always fall short, but the power of the atonement and prayer, and communicating with Father in Heaven has truly been a blessing in saving my soul. 

There was a period of time in my life, when I was single. I looked REALLY good, back then, and not to be boastful, had a lot of "friends" who were interested and gave me lots of attention. I started to feel and think that the whole going to church thing wasn't for me anymore, one because I just didn't feel there was a valid reason to actually "going" to church and two, because of the gossip, or the "Oh my goodness, can you believe who that person is sitting by? aren't they suppose to be on my side?" or "I can't believe that person is taking the sacrament!" or "Can you believe he/she came to church looking like that?" and so on. It was very discouraging, and I started feeling the question "WHY?!" if we are to stand in holy places, let alone come to a holy place (which church is supposed to be), then why are such harsh judgements and crude remarks made? The reason WHY? readers, is simply because WE ARE ALL HUMAN! WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, AND WE ALL JUDGE, whether that judgment is good or bad, we all do it, and we all SIN! and I've learned that attending church is NOT for perfect people, it's for SINNERS, and if we are all honest about it, we are ALL SINNERS! Going back, I started to question my beliefs, but in all honesty, could not shake them off because I knew in my heart that the teachings taught in this church, the scriptures, the principles, were all indeed CORRECT, and TRUE! I couldn't deny it, as much as I wanted to justify my actions with certain things, I really could not find a good enough reason to NOT go to church. That is when I gained a testimony of going to church, for myself, for my own personal growth, and because I love my Heavenly Father and Savior. I also learned that my Heavenly Father continues to bless me daily, and all he has asked is for me to devout just a little time of my week to sit in His house, think about Him, learn about Him, and literally sit with HIM on Sundays. 

Although being a Latter-Day Saint is wonderful it is hard at times. I find myself now thinking, how much easier it is to just stay home and listen to a General Conference talk then take my little toddler to church, watch her eat cheerios, constantly tell her to stop climbing everywhere only to sit in Nursery for the next 2 hours of the whole church meeting, where she most likely will get sick being around some of the sick kids in there (it has already happened TWICE (sad face)). However, EVERYONE with a toddler, or has had a toddler has done it, and even babies need to know that Sunday is when we go to church. My little one year old already knows when it is Sunday, I don't know how she knows, but every Sunday for the last month and a half or so, she will look at me and say, "Good Morning Mommy! Church! Dress! Church Mommy!" 

With that said, I must be doing something right, and it makes me proud to know my little girl understands; and with her understanding, she is a BIG example to me, to keep going! 

I was helping my husband last night study for his test that he is actually taking today! I know he will do well, however, randomly, I realized that I hadn't been to the temple in a while, and I mentioned to him that I really wanted to go this week. We have it planned out for this week to go, and so I'm excited, because, I need to stand in a holy place, and feel peace. Doing the simple tasks, and simple things, by following the teachings of the Savior, and realizing that these words being taught are from the Savior himself, by keeping the commandments, it is only for OUR benefit, it is for OUR well-being, it is for OUR sanity to keep peace and everlasting joy in our lives. 

I really am looking forward to our temple date and being in that holy place once again, to learn, to contemplate, to feel of the love that Father in Heaven not only has for me, but for all His children. I am so grateful for the gospel, and I am so grateful for churches that allow me a place to worship. Even though I may not have many friends at church, nor don't like some people there, I have learned to understand that they have a life, just as busy, and are struggling, but we are all basically there for the same reason, be it expressing not so nice opinions and being the recipient of hearing those things sometimes, we are all there mainly because we are trying to do what Heavenly Father has asked us to do. We are trying to become Perfected in Him! 

I may not be the perfect mormon to the (molly-mormons) and might be too perfect for (jack-mormons). I'm in between, I'm Jane, I'm not perfect, but I hope to become perfect. I make mistakes, yet I know that as I repent, the Lord forgives me, and it is up to me to right the wrongs that I have done and caused. I struggle every day with things, even simple things, but I don't give up. I am me! I have a view of worldly things and a view of spiritual things, and I try not to get those confused with each other. I try to show empathy to all, and to be understanding, for my goal is to be like my elder brother, Jesus Christ. That is where I stand, that is where I want to be, and I can only do that by fulfilling the covenants I have made, and being my best self. 

the FUTURE is Near.......

Can I Say

EXCITED!

Havea and I have been accepted to Brigham Young University Idaho's Pathway Program! We are enrolled for the Fall 2013 semester and are extremely excited for this opportunity to go to school! Havea has decided what career choice and path he wants to pursue, and I couldn't be more happier for him (he will reveal this occupation in his own time, but chooses to remain discrete until his testing and results are proven excellent - he only likes to display his BEST!) I have no doubt he'll be successful, but that's my hubby's wishes! I'll just throw a hint saying that it has me a bit googly-eyed because he will look just as HOT and AMAZING in his uniform. AH! Ok, now on another note, I've also decided a career choice and path and decided to continue my education in working towards a Bachelor's of Science Degree in Business Administration, eventually transferring to being an Accounting Major and then CPA. To actually know what we want to do in life is so WONDERFUL! I mean, it's like when you're asked the question as a little child, "So, what do you want to be when you grown up?" and as little kids you know we have BIG HOPES and BIG DREAMS! and answer with confidence "The President!" or "RICH!" or "Doctor" or "Like Daddy!!" these dreams sometimes are fed and encouraged, and sometimes they're not, for no apparent reason, we start to believe that as we grow older, our potential for past dreams/hopes are gone, and that we are not fully capable in pursuing those things. Well we need to answer confidently and come out with our dreams, put in the hard work and effort and let it continue on from there. With that said, it feel's GREAT to get this out in the open, to be excited, and just to start this new step towards the progression of our family, life and future. 

I hope to instill in my daughter Zoee and her younger siblings (our future children) the confidence that they can achieve ANYTHING they put their heart and hard-work in to. It is my hope that as a mother that I can be a guide, that I can help enlighten, that I can expand their creativity into things they love, whether it be knitting to a rocket-scientist, I pray that whatever they choose to do in life, it will be focused on enhancing them to be spiritual, exceptional, and wonderful human beings, always delighting in truth. That is my hope. 

Although having an Associates Degree does not mean much to some, it means EVERYTHING to me, and I really would not have accomplished that, if it were not for my AMAZING mother! Although my mom can be pushy sometimes, she has ALWAYS pushed me in the right direction, not of direction of her choosing, but a direction that was surely right for me. She always encouraged me to pursue my education, to make it a priority so that someday, I may be successful in what I desire to do in life. I really didn't take her seriously at all, but I know that each time she spoke, she was encouraging me. It may not have always seemed like that to my little 16 year old brain, but all in all, I knew she was, deep in my heart, I knew it. 

In the scriptures, it talks about mothers, and how they were a tremendous influence on their young sons. It says as follows:

In Alma 56:47-48

47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the ^aliberty of their ^bfathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their ^cmothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

 48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their ^amothers, saying: We ^bdo not doubt our mothers knew it

I have been blessed to KNOW that my mother did not doubt me or the potential I have. She has taught me to overcome obstacles in all situations and types of "weather".

Another part of future is looking bright, although it may seem like a long road, we are hopeful for the outcome. Occupations! In the mean time of us both going to school, we are grateful to my parents for hosting us in their home for as long as we need to accomplish our education, and allowing us the care for Zoee when needed when we will be working! Going back to work, was not so hot for me, cause I have thoroughly enjoyed staying home with my little girl, and seeing her grow in so many ways. I really don't know how I did it that first year of working. I honestly think the separation this time will be a whole lot harder, yet, thank goodness, she loves my family just as much as I do, so when needed she won't feel so out of place. 

I'm so excited for our future, I'm excited for the answered prayer of having the opportunity to go back to school, both Havea and I are. We are excited for a healthy baby girl, and a wonderful family that supports and loves us. 

"I never said this life would be easy, I just said it would be worth it!" 

-Unknown

the Future is Near....... and we are EMBRACING it! 

Now for a nice walk on the beach!

Until next time!

Terrible 2's starting too early!

This whole last week, I have been struggling with a severely TERRIBLE cough! It's been keeping me up at night and I haven't been able to get a wink of peaceful sleep. (Let's just say it's been so bad, that I'd rather wake up to a crying, hungry baby, then have to cough hysterically all night). So it's been WONDERFUL (sarcastically speaking). All in all, yesterday was a bit of a challenge when my little 18 month old decided that she was not going to LISTEN! YUP! Ladies and Gents! She decided she was a big girl and was going to do WHATEVER she could to get what SHE WANTED! Yikes! It was her first ever tantrum, and it wasn't her last. She SCREAMED for almost 10 minutes straight! I honestly froze and didn't know what to do, except to tell her to stop crying, to calm down or go in time-out! (Ok, yes, a little whack on the butt sometimes is needed). So after attempting all of those, I had no choice but to put her in her bed and let her cry it out there. The funny thing is that I was so dumbfounded at how great she played me. I mean she had me going for 10 minutes. After then I realized that I had simply let her take control! Wait, what? did I just say "...I let her take control?" Yes! and it WASN'T good. This mistake surely bit me again, TODAY!

Precisely around the same time (NAP TIME), she starts the water-works, with a little kicking and screaming, some hand swatting and calling out to any family member around. Everyone was supportive of my putting her in time out and she just got even more and more mad. I tried to tell her to calm down, and kept telling her to stop crying so she could come out of time out, but she did the very OPPOSITE! She decided that time out is where she wanted to be, she wanted to scream her head off, and she didn't want me nor anyone else touching her. Even more CONFUSED! I realized that something needed to change.

Now why am I confessing my mommy-failures here on my blog? well 1. because it's my journal, and 2. if any mothers reading find themselves in the same situation, comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

All in all, I learned that sometimes when I'm stressed with other things in my life, my daughter picks up on it, and she knows when to manipulate, yes even at 18 months, she knows how to manipulate. I started to think about am I stern enough? or am I too stern? am I a bad mother? am I even cut out for this? I really do question these things. To know that this isn't even close to what I will someday encounter with my little Zoee or my future children, boggles my mind, and I wonder if I really am doing everything that I can be doing?

Being a Mommy is HARD WORK! It's draining, it's suspenseful, it's adventurous, it's sometimes discouraging; but when I think about the impact I'm making on that little girl, it's AMAZING! I know that there is a reason why I am her mother and she's my daughter, and I hope from this post that people read that I don't hate my child, I'm just a struggling mother who has yet a LOT to learn. I love my daughter very much. She's extremely smart, and extremely bright, and sometimes I don't know how to handle that, but I'm trying! Each and every day!

Confessions of a failed mommy, strike 2!

We shall see what the future holds!

On a good note, she's starting to SING! See Video below!

Zoee and Selena Gomez!

Communication

I have some confessions to reveal here in this post today, I have been very guilty of not communicating well and have been a hypocrite because I demand communication; all in all marriage is a learning experience that helps us grow and life is the playground. It's been a pretty stressful month, and although there have been many great highlights this month, the bad things just seem to get the best of me and leave me worried, discouraged and scared. 

Then I saw this picture:

God's Voice Vs. Satan's Voice

God's Voice

1. Stills You

2. Leads You

3. Reassures You

4. Enlightens You

5. Encourages You

6. Comforts You

7. Calms You

8. Convicts You

Satan's Voice

1. Rushes You

2. Pushes You

3. Frightens You

4. Confuses You

5. Discourages You

6. Worries You

7. Obsesses You

8. Condemns You

So although I have many more items of feeling on Satan's list, I need to take Elder Uchtdorfs words to heart and, "STOP IT!" and all I have to say is, "GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!" My husband and I have been given some tough situations this last month that has given us a big opportunity to test our faith. As stubborn as I can be, and in all honesty, it has been VERY hard for me to trust. I have already had many trust issues, but trusting in my Lord, my Savior, hasn't ever been a problem, until now. I have fallen like many in thinking that Heavenly Father doesn't have time for me, or doesn't have the time to grant me favors that probably would not matter to Him anyway, and how more STUPID  does that sound, or STUPID can I be?? Goodness gracious, He's my Heavenly Father for goodness sakes! He LOVES ME! I know that! I have been feeling very vulnerable, scared, worried, and all the above, and have not humbled myself to feel peace. I took some frustration out on my husband and sadly only made myself feel worst, yet made him feel bad too. Bad Wife badge :( Gracefully, my husband understands me, loves me and is extremely patient with me. I am so grateful for the awesome man he is and just how in tune with the spirit he is, he doesn't realize how much he is, but he is. 

Ok, the next thing I'm about to say is really WHY I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and it is through simple and small things that I feel such a GREAT amount of Love from Him. My wonderful, patient and loving husband communicated to me. Naturally, in a calm yet firm way, he was able to communicate his feelings, help me understand what he needed me to understand, while also making a point that he understood exactly what I was trying to communicate the night before, in which I  kind of did a bad job at. This is what he did! 

#1 He called me babe! Havea and I, from day 1 of the start of our relationship, our dating       relationship, we have always referred to each other as "Babe or Baby" it grew more and more as we got closer, to "honey, sexy, lover, beautiful, handsome, sugar-lips, etc." When he calls me 'babe', it literally STILLS my soul. I can't explain how much it calms me. 

#2 He asked me out on a date! He was inviting me out of the place where I was feeling vulnerable and worried, and LEADING me into a new environment, where I could have a change of scenery, not think about ALL the troubles, and just re-group, focus and have an open heart and mind.  So he invited me to the beach, to hear the waves crash, to feel the breeze, and to just hold hands and talk! (He makes me fall in love with him more each day)

#3 As we were talking about the things that we are going to be faced with, he started to REASSURE me of his desires for our family, we went over our plans, and I started to feel peace and goodness from what we were talking about. 

#4 I started talking about things and options for different things, and he was actually listening and chimed in with his thoughts and ENLIGHTENED me with his words. As we talked it felt like our view of our future was growing bigger and brighter, and warmth started to fill my heart. 

#5 We started talking about options for our family and going back to school is a desire we both have. I told him that I was excited to do the pathway program in the fall and he was more than ENCOURAGING, he was routing for me! He even decided that it would be a great idea for him too, and so we are finding a way for us BOTH to be going to school and we are ever more SOOO EXCITED! 

#6 Later that night he COMFORTED me! No details needs to be said! :) 

#7 I was CALMED by his spirit, by his love for me and Zoee and for his dedication to be the leader, the head, the man, the father, the Patriarch of our family. I am so grateful to have been given a man of this nature, who has so many Godly Attributes. 

#8 I'm not sure how Convicts is part of it, but it was a good opportunity to humble myself and realize that I have been guilty of not trusting the Lord, trusting my husband and trusting myself.

COMMUNICATION is KEY!